suburban high roller saturday night

The past weekend was unusual and uneven.

Friday evening I got home feeling like the floorboards of a taxicab. I was kind of psyched because Mysterios had given me a CD burner to hook up to my laptop, but kind of down because I had a near-fever, scratch throat and could feel a cold coming on. I hooked up the burner, downloaded the software and began to experiment with my 1999 technology. It all proved to be slow… very, very slow. But it works and it’s free, so why care?

I burned a copy of The Streets: A Grand Don’t Come for Free for a friend and turned on the Natural Born Killers DVD before laying down and passing out by 9 p.m. I woke around 4:30 a.m. and watched the end of Conan O’Brien before passing out again.

Saturday I met up with my sister and we went grocery shopping at Aldi’s. I bought a bunch of shit for cheap. Aldi’s is super food-kitchen, and if you can get over feeling like a bag of shit while you’re shopping there, the satisfaction of buying lots of food at a fraction of what it costs elsewhere, totally redeems the experience. Sometimes they have insane specials and usually they have weird crap like Caddyshack II with Jackie Mason on DVD for $4.99. My sister bought a lot less than me and seemed to want out early. Snob.

Afterwards, we dropped off my bags and then went to her place. I watched a video copy of my friend Chris’ TV show about celebrity’s homes in Chicago. It’s a vanity project, but the production values suggest more than just the shoestring budget they’re filmed on. He moved to L.A. to have his hand at a real acting career. I wish him luck. He does have one promising appearance coming up: he gets into a verbal fight with Nicholas Cage while in line at the DMV in the movie The Weatherman. I’m not sure when it comes out… but, I’d consider spending a couple hours having Nicholas Cage getting live in my face to be totally surreal and a professional highlight.

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Saturday night was nothing short of bizarre. I went out to the suburbs to meet up with my friend Dave and attend his friend Malik’s birthday party at this seriously weak suburb club. What’s funny is that this suburb is exactly 15 minutes away in the car from my place in the city… but the youthful city culture and youthful suburb culture couldn’t be more different. Malik and his friends rolled into this place like they were IT. And in a very real way, they are IT. Malik and his the rest of Dave’s friends are car salesman and UPS drivers who flash a lot of cash, drive expensive cars (either leased or borrowed off the lot for the weekend), always have hard drugs and hang out with strippers and bisexual skanks. So, in their minds and in that environment – the suburbs – they are the shit.

Each girl that I spoke to at the “club” was either super dumb, very obnoxious or had obvious low self-esteem. They ranged in appearance from the super hot Russian Anastasia to the skanky and drunk Mary with the enormous tit job. All of the other stroke off guys in this club had all eyes on the ladies with us and our crew. Dave likes to privately comment on the high-roller bad boy image this crew has given itself, and got a good laugh when I handed his friend Mike a drink, and when he asked me why I did it, I said “out of respect.”

Around 12:30 a.m. that crew and those girls (15 in total) loaded into the LIMOSENE that Mike had rented and went back to Mike’s house… this two story drug den in the middle of a residential suburban neighborhood. Dave and I got there after getting some Taco Bell and cigarettes. Everyone in the joint was rolling on e, cutting lines and passing around a j. It was just like Puff Daddy’s in the Hamptons… just kickin’ it, fool.

Anastasia had caught my eye early on, and she watched me walk up the stairs and take a seat, and then she and the two girls on either side of her started to make out. This was just the beginning of an extended two-hour, four or five girl-on-girl show in Mike’s living room. They were kissing, fondling and touching each other... and not for the benefit of the room, they were getting it on for each other. The unusual thing about it was that it was business as usual… nobody was paying any attention and if they did stop to watch for a minute, it was just a minute. I had to talk to one of these guys – Leo, the UPS deliveryman – who said “the girls are just really cool. Let them go for it, doesn’t matter.” And he meant it, in this house it wasn’t unusual.

That shit went on forever, and then the girls started to take turns going to Malik’s room to service him for his birthday. It was wild. We were up all night... and then the sun came up... and I watched a family down the stret pack in the minivan to go to church... and I was still up and still drinking beer,.. I pleaded with Dave to drive me back to my car. I’d had a long enough night.

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Sunday night I saw Garden State. It was written and directed by Zach Braff (who also stars in it)... that scrub from that TV show Scrub.

It's about Zach Braff returning home to New Jersey (from Los Angeles where he's an actor) to attend his mother's funeral. According to IMDB.com Zach Braff is from New Jersey and is now an actor in Los Angeles. This shit is writing itself people.

Anyways Zach Braff plays a kid who has been on lithium since he was 9 years old, and encounters all of his old friends who he hasn't seen in ten years. One of his friends "Mark" is played by Peter Sarsgaard, one of the best new actors to make it in the past couple of years in my opinion. Peter Sarsgaard was last seen as the New Republic Editor busting Anakin Skywalker for making shit up in his journalism articles in the excellent Shattered Glass. Here he plays a burnout grave digger who still lives with his mom. In this film as well as Boys Don't Cry Peter Sarsgaard brings a level of realism to his white trash characters that you don't always see. Peter Sarsgaard understands white trash.

Also in the film is Natalie Portman as Zach Braff's love interest. Natalie Portman (who last married Anakin Skywalker) plays a quirky hot girl who admits to being a pathological liar, and immediately clicks with the depressed coming off of anti-depressants Zach Braff.

This is one of those coming of age dramatic comedies that could suck, sometimes seems a bit close to sucking, yet never actually sucks, and occasionally rises above your expectations.

Includes JUST LEFT of mainstream soundtrack... kind of like that mix tape you made for your girlfriend in college.

B+