steven seagal

Over the weekend while I was visiting my friend Rick in Michigan, the weather was shite and we spent most of saturday afternoon chewing the fat on his deck, looking into the distance and smoking blunts.

Rick and I got into this intense discussion about "action film stars," and how in all of stallone's movies, schwarzenegger's and bruce willis' "movies"... they all at some point take a serious Jesus and The Passion beating.

Note: this is only when they're playing the "action star" and not embarrassing themselves with some bullshit light comedy that's marketed to appeal to the masses in heartland bumble-fuck fly-over country. It should also be noted that this is the same brain dead demographic that Bush is successfully marketing the Iraq war to.

So they all make action movies where their "character" takes a serious and totally inhuman fucked up beating. The kind of savage beating that no normal man could withstand. Formula dictates that soon after they get their ass kicked, Survivor or Frank Stallone kicks in and a re-training!! getting stronger!! planning revenge!! montage begins.

This seems to be a commonality amongst all of the notable action stars with the exception of one: Steven Seagal!

Steven Seagal is a master of Aikido and he ALWAYS fucks people up, and he never gets hurt.

In fact every one of his movies is about him (Steven Seagal) as a soft spoken bad ass who never takes shit from anybody (but is kind to children), and some thrown-together plot involving some sort of crime or the killing of someone close to Steven Seagal, for the sole purpose of justifying a sadistic showcase of arm snapping, bone crushing and ass kicking...

basically a highlight reel of Steven Seagal fucking people up.

Another thing that you can always count on is watching the head bad guy get fucking killed in an especially fucked-up, creative, ultra-violent and sick over-kill murder montage of dismemberment in slow-mo.

Shit like his head getting blown off by a missile, or getting fucked up by a whale harpoon after a directors-cut only 12 minute ass fucking, or getting tossed off of a mountain after having his head blown off by a missile and getting fucked up by a whale harpoon after a directors-cut only 12 minute ass fucking and then blown away by an entire 50-round magazine clip of acid-filled hollow point armor-piercing machine gun bullets.

fuck. that sounds like the ultimate career move.

There's only one other name that comes to mind in the realm of ultimate narscistic career moves. That name is Peter North. That career move is his "North Pole" series of videos and dvds of middle aged Peter North paying 22 year old strippers to fuck him on camera. The plot is always the same one each time: Peter North fucks strippers. Then Peter North rakes in millions on dvd sales.

what the fuck am I doing with my life?

so you'd think that Steven Seagal had done more than his share in contributing to our popular culture... our collective revenge fantasy itch... and each American's general seemingly-untapped inner rage... but there's more! Steven Seagal is a renaissance man. he preaches peace (in the neo-con republican definition of preaching "peace") and has released an album of original music to our friends in Old Europe. check out a clip of “Girl It’s alright” and “My God” featuring Stevie Wonder (Remember, Stevie hasn’t seen his movies).