Corey Feldman's 30th Birthday Party

This last weekend I drove my sister and I up to wisconsin to have dinner with my parents and some uncles and aunts in Lake Geneva. Tolls in Illinois are now $.80 if you don't have the I-PASS. If you do have the I-PASS, it's $.40. I guess they want a committment.

Anyways, on the ride up you could barely hear the ipod on the shitty stereo speakers with the windows down from all the cigarette smoke, so we were forced to smoke and chat.

Oh yeah: sidenote, the saturn is living out its final days in my posession. I'm selling that hunk of plastic ASAP. I'm sick of the inconvenience and the random - for no real reason - $50 ticket I find under the wiperblade when I walk out to the car once every 10 days. Enough. Besides, I figure that with the 11 year old fiberglass car gone it'll be more difficult for a girl to gauge how poor I am. And I can finally get some. I've been catching myself looking at ugly girls on the L lately. It's becoming a problem.

So anyways, me and my sister were talking about Michael Jackson and Corey Feldman and my sister asked me to re-tell the story about the time I went to Corey Feldman's 30th birthday party in L.A. I guess it's worth writing about here.

In July '01 I flew out to L.A. to visit my friend Lope. Lope is one of my favorite people in the entire world. That motherfucker has lived le experience. He was second in his high school class, an eagle scout, when we were in college he was one of the best rowers on our crew, grew a massive strain of mushrooms, drove a mid-70's Lincoln Continental, and was such a goddamn good looking motherfucker that he got signed as a male model with Elite and dropped out of college to make more cash in six months than his father made that year. So I'm back at school studying worm phylums at 2 in the morning and Lope is fucking hot 19 year olds in Miami. Son of a bitch.

So, a couple years pass, Lope eventually returns to school and finishes his degree and then moves west. First to Phoenix, then to Los Angeles, getting an assistant's job in the publicity department at 20th Century Fox.

Immediately I benefitted from this because he started to send me free screener DVDs in packages of 20. I started to get them every other week. In total I think I got around 90. Cool shit too, like copies of Predator, X-Men, Aliens, Fight Club, and best of all, the Bruce Lee box set.

So, with me coming out, Lope started to look around to see what we could do over the visit. Corey Feldman used to do a lot of business with Fox, so his publicist would always shoot releases to the studio. Most of the studio considers him a child star wash up, so the open invite to his 30th birthday party at the Key Club was universally panned.

Lope knew that I'd "get it", so he got us on the list. I soon figured out that being "on the list" meant standing in line and watching fat sweating dudes pull up in long cars with hot 18 year olds and cut ahead of us. We finally got inside and looked around. I didn't see any celebrities at all. Not even Corey Haim. I bought Lope a drink. We drank Maker's Mark at $12 a drink. Holy shit!

Soon, Corey's band Truth Movement hit the stage (see, this was also a showcase for Corey's band) Corey is the shirtless front man. He's got the 5'8" body of a 15 year old and the face of a 40 year old weathered drug addict. Truth Movement is like the E-Street band minus the powerful front man. They're not bad, but Corey sucks balls. At one point the band started to play Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean", and Corey broke down to his Michael Jackson dance impersonation... the hat, the glove, the moonwalk... I looked around the crowd and saw smiles. It was straight up fucking weird.

Finally, Corey grabbed the mic and said "the house wants us to wrap it up so they can play their tech-no... but we still got a few songs left in us, so fuck the tech-no!" The band broke out another song, and kept playing until the guitarist could tell that the house had cut the power on his guitar, so he just walked off stage. Then the drummer noticed that his power was cut, but he kept playing. Finally, they cut the sound on Corey's mic, and it took him a couple seconds to figure that out, then they cut the lights, and he walked off stage.

Dissed on your birthday! Ho!