how this shit goes

I've been slowly realizing something: I am in a constant cycle of trying to keep myself entertained. I don't know what another person's reality is like, but mine seems to based on avoiding boredom (or attachments, for that matter).

The little world that I'd collected and constructed for myself a year ago is completely gone,.. mutated into something else. I'm fucked up and bitter and still sad and bummed. I don't know how to rid myself of it. There doesn't seem to be anything that I can do to lose it, and I sure as fuck haven't been able to talk myself out of it. Maybe I'm disturbed. And I only seem to be stabled when I'm hi. I keep myself surrounded by my friends and connected to whatever is going on in their lives/this year seems to have been very active for all considered. I fucking need personal time to myself. I wonder why I've had to go through what I've had to go through and with the particular people this has been with.

Most everyone seems to have had positive changes in the past year, but the down side, the dark side, has really taken the bite out of some of us. I'm skating down the middle ground.

This is how this shit goes: ride the wave until it crashes the shore.