operation purse retrieval

On friday night I went to my friend Matt's engagement party at this old money Italian steak house in the gold coast. I'd always wanted to go to this particular place because they have an excellent brick patio in the back.

It's wild to be attending Matt's engagement. I've been really close friends with the kid since we were 12. We've drank many, many beers and have killed many, many small animals together. Pushing 30, that covers a great deal of life and personality evolution. It's gold. With no best man, myself, Matt's two brothers and a couple extra guys will have to piece together his bachelor party for early next summer. I expect matt to hug me and tell me he loves me like a brother, just like every time he does when he somehow paces my Stella pints to his seven & sevens. Fucking wild man!

All of Lisa's friends are these 24 year old firecrackers. Each has a pretty face, usually a borderline obnoxious outgoing personality, an open to suggestion attitude and an extra 10 pounds from pounding beers in bars.

One girl was loaded and asked me to go home with her. She was staggering and kept trying to kiss me. I told her no. She told me that I wanted to and that I didn't know what I was missing. I said no. She walked off and 20 minutes later I saw her still with her friends, doing a shot fucked up.

Maybe a half hour after that, I called it a night and left to catch a cab. That same girl followed me out of the bar and wanted to take the cab with me. I opened up the door and let her in. Then I bent inside and told the cab driver to take her home, tossed a $10 bill into the front seat, closed the door, walked to the cab lined behind, got in and had him drive me home.

We talked about Jesus and the Book of Revelations.

On sunday I met up with my sister Kristine to catch up. We biked it down the lake front and she told me that the bike path was her walk home. We talked about how our dad is working at a plant outside of milwaukee on lake michigan. he's getting a kick out of seeing the differing shade of color the lake reflects on any given day. it's fun to hear that because lake michigan is a unique natural wonder that I've lived no more than two miles from -- in three different cities -- for the past 11 of 12 years... and catching the color change is something I notice and appreciate as well.

Kristine left her purse on a bench for no reason and remembered that she left it on a bench for no reason about a mile away on North Avenue. I had her wait and I booked back to the beach. of course nobody saw a purse. I checked the garbage cans - nothing. I looked under park benches - nothing. I asked a drunk what time it was - he didn't have a watch on.

I called my sister's cell phone and got a british voice on the phone. I wanted to know where the purse was. He told me that he was at a starbucks on clark. I told him I'd be there in 5 minutes. I cut through the park, shooting past families with children, lap dogs, old people. I'm sure one of them thought "where the hell is he going in such a hurry?" wwwwwwellll.... I'm on Operation Purse Retrieval, you nosy bitch, so Piss Off!!!

I get to the starbucks and saw her purse at a table with a 40 year old fag, a 30 year old fag and their fat 35 year old smiling fag hag. they were cool about it, so I reached for a $10 bill. they refused, I dropped it on the table, thanked them and walked back out to my bike.

I rode up, told my sister what happened and she was relieved. she was so happy that homos look out for other people and do good deeds when they can - it's because they've been shit on so many times in their lives by people close to them and otherwise, that they lend a hand when they can.

If I'd walked into a "negotiation" scenerio with whoever had the purse, I would've just taken it from them... stepped closer... and a stare down that told you "if you try to take this back I am going to break your arm."

...but these fags were cool so I decided to pay it forward.