Alexander the Great

I like Oliver Stone and his movies. I usually like Val Kilmer, I want to hate Colin Farrell (because he's such a stroke off... holy shit! you drank six Heinkens before you got out of the limo... no fucking way. slow down, Mickey Mantle), and I always like Angelina Jolie.

I did not like "Alexander" and I really wanted to.

It should've started with something of a bang, but instead you have 15 minutes of Anthony Hopkins with make up on that makes him look EVEN OLDER than he is (he's currently listed at 211 years old) talking about the movie that you're sitting there waiting to start.

Then you get Angelina Jolie looking all hot as fuck and hanging out with young Alexander. She's got a ton of snakes in a basket next to his bed (she's got snakes all over the place each time she has a scene), and Oliver Stone actually lifts some dialog from "The Doors" about handling snakes. That's lame.

Speaking of "The Doors", Val Kilmer basically plays the Lizard King with his drunken ranting and raving and breaks into Alexander's room and begins to sexually manhandle Angelina.

The rest of the movie (after a very slow 40 minutes) is about Alexander moving east, conquering every region he passes. Along the way he takes Rosario Dawson as his wife in Persia (that's IRAQ to all of you ignorant fuck-o's who voted for Bush because he was going to keep Jesus in the White House and fags from marrying) who's super hot and is a part of this tribal/percussion/techno dance team. He gets her shirt off (I didn't know they had saline implants in 420 BC), and with that fine figure and full lips, the audience is immediately reminded of Angelina Jolie.

Speaking of fags... Alexander the Great is a homosexual, and he only takes a wife for breeding purposes. This should play well in all of the red states who voted for Bush because he was going to keep Jesus in the White House and fags from marrying.

I'm going to give it a fair rating. It's not really worth seeing at the full price show, but maybe on DVD during a long cold ass winter day next Thanksgiving.

"C"