Pearl Jam: USA Today's Greatest American Rock Band

USA Today article.

And though the results were close, there could only be one winner. So, without further ado, I present your top pick for the greatest American rock band of all time:

Pearl Jam.

This is in 2005.

Why is Pearl Jam the greatest? Here's what you said:

•They've stayed true to themselves. "Instead of selling out with videos and constant press coverage, they pulled back at their height, and focused on the music," wrote Willie McNabb in El Dorado, Ark. "They belong up there with Neil Young, Zeppelin and The Beatles because they never compromised their integrity, which is really all any of us have."

•The music rocks. From Atlanta reader Tom Baker: "They've continually reshaped their sound, album after album, and are still making great, vital music 12+ years into their career. What else could you want?"

•Their records sell ... "... because they're good, not because they've been hyped to death by the media," McNabb added.

•There have been scores of imitators. "How many Pearl Jam/Eddie Vedder knockoffs have invaded rock radio since Ten?" asked Scott Jordan, another Atlanta fan.

•Their concerts are first-rate — and affordable. Jake Mohlman from Barrington, R.I., praised the band for keeping ticket prices low. "It's unique in an era when most artists gouge their fans to the limit," he wrote. "Likewise, releasing their shows on low-cost bootlegs brings a new dimension to seeing one of their shows."

Interesting selection for greatest rock band, but keep in mind that this is in USA Today... a daily newspaper for people who admittedly don't want to know shit about anything, and who prefer big colorful pie graphs to actual investigative journalism.

The rest of the list has some questionable runners up (this is the USA Today reader list... plus my asshole commentary):

2. Aerosmith – Living proof that quitting drugs kills creativity. Aerosmith is eagerly awaiting the next Bruce Willis/Michael Bay/Nicholas Cage/Michael Bay action film extravaganza (Armageddon, The Rock, Gone in Sixty Seconds) to release their new power ballad that sounds fucking EXACTLY like the power ballads they've released every other summer for the past 15 years.

3. Van Halen – Why are they even on this list? They haven't released anything with any merit since their greatest hits collection a couple years back… reminding us that diamond dave beats the shit out of sammy hagar, and both of those cats got dumped for the likes of gary cherone... ex lead singer of Extreme. yeah, good move.

4. The Eagles – In 1992, The Eagles decided to tour for $100 a ticket, and now everyone who used to charge $20, now charges at least $45. Thanks a lot. Assholes.

5. Journey – You've got to be fucking kidding me.

6. Guns N' Roses – Have not released new material since 1993. Let me remind you that that was over 12 years ago.

7. The Grateful Dead – I had hoped that this band (and their annoying caravan duped into believing that they’re anything OTHER THAN CONSUMERS) would vanish after Jerry died TEN YEARS AGO this summer. No such luck.

8. Queensryche – Huh?

9. The Doors – The Doors died with Jim Morrison. The Doors still toured with the lead singer of the cult last year. I think that that sucks.

10. R.E.M. – Have not put out a decent record since 1996's New Adventures in Hi Fi. 1996 was nine years ago.

11. The Allman Brothers Band and Fleetwood Mac (tie) – Who wants to see these creepy old hippies? Make a mental picture of Stevie Nicks’ pussy. Right now. Yeah, no thanks.

12. Metallica – Watch Some Kind of Monster, the documentary on Metallica. They're hee-lar-i-ous! Lars Ulrich’s dad look exactly like Gandalf the wizard in Lord of the Rings.

13. KISS – No make up, no fireworks, what've you got left? Merchandising and no talent.

14. The Ramones – These guys are dropping off by the year. Apparently nobody sees 55 in the Ramones.

15. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band and Creedence Clearwater Revival (tie) – For me, torture is listening to Bruce Springsteen… true torture is being trapped at one of those infamous 4 hour Springsteen concerts. I'll slit my wrists before having to endure nineteen minutes of "The River."

16. Dave Matthews Band and Lynyrd Skynyrd (tie) – It just occured to me that The Dave Matthews Band IS Lynyrd Skynyrd.

17. The Beach Boys – This is a nostalgia list, right?

18. Nirvana – Take punk, hardcore, power pop, stadium anthems, guitar hooks and distortion and suddenly you have a new movement to market to the lucrative 18 to 34 year old demographic.

19. The Replacements – This is an interesting selection. I didn't realize that the musical taste of the average USA Today reader extended beyond Bon Jovi.

Rounding out the list is ...

20. Bon Jovi – Bon Jovi fucking sucks. That Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bit on Bon Jovi is so fucking funny that I wet myself, and had to pause it twice because I was in tears. video.