super millionaire

Once again somebody else has won the mega millions lottery. This time it was won by someone in Ohio. Yes, Ohio. Not Illinois. Not Chicago, Illinois. Not me.

The news reports that it was a single winner this time. Somebody in Ohio is the sole winner of $106 million. Every time the lottery shoots north of $40 million, I spend ONE dollar at the newsstand in the lobby of my workplace. I figure that one dollar is enough to win, and anything short of $40 million is a waste of time. Every time I play, I lose,.. or, rather,.. I "don’t win."

I think that that fucking sucks and that I would rock as a multi-millionaire. I fucking would, and many, many people would benefit from my sick wealth. I already got all that shit planned out.

First I would contact my friend Dave who’s a lawyer that defends insurance companies who don’t want to pay when somebody gets killed. Dave is a self-loathing asshole who’s barely tolerable to be around for longer than a three hour stretch because of his black heart and growing gloom due to knowingly performing the devil’s work on earth and fucking over grieving families for multi-million dollar insurance firms. Dave needs to take on a pro-bona job like advising me on my legal rights to claiming $106 million dollars to cleanse his conscious and his soul of encroaching wickedness.

Dave also serves as a fence for the untraceable firearms I’ll need when transporting the winning ticket to a lottery official. Dave knows the type of people who know where to procure the types of weapons I’ll require.

Overkill? Fuck off, have you ever carried $106 million dollars in your pocket? No one has. I break a sweat if I’m carrying more than $200... yeah, that's right, chicago trixies, I wasn't born into a wealthy family, so I'm not used to having cash just laying around. And, oh yeah, after I've fucked you five ways to friday, you're still not getting anywhere near my money.

After the winning ticket has been authenticated, I’ll handle all the PR bullshit myself. The lottery winner telecast has always been a bit of a let down for me because the "winners" always seem to blow it. I’m sick of listening to some "winner" with an oversized check stammer into the microphone about how they’re going to quit their job and pay off some debts. Blown opportunity, my friend.

I’m going to walk into the press conference wearing a white t-shirt with "ex girlfriends suffer" written in blood from my pricked finger across the chest, and look dead into the camera and say:

"I am going to use $100 million to create a clone army for George Bush, complete with advanced weapons training and karate moves to fight the terrorists who linked 9/11 from al-Qaeda in Iraq."

I will answer no questions, and instead repeat the mantra on clone armies and karate moves in Iraq.

Next, I will change my address, my telephone number, my e-mail account, and most likely my name ("Maximus Sunburn" is sounding pretty fuckin right on right now), and I will take off for an extended six month trip through southeast Asia and the south pacific.

My travels will take me through tsunami ravaged regions where I’ll volunteer service in the excavation and rebuilding of the region. I will make private financial donations where needed. I will not reveal my true identity, nor financial capabilities to anyone during this time. I will role play a traveling westerner lending a hand, and I will live simply.

When I return to the United States, I will pay off the remaining mortgages on all of my immediate family member’s homes. I will purchase a house in the city limits of Chicago and begin to furnish it. I’ll let my sister live there for free (I’ll also buy a home in Denver for my other sister to live at for free, even though I know that she won’t work and will smoke pot and watch TV all day). Once the house is complete, I’m going to invite all of my friends in the city to come over with their credit card bills and I’ll begin to write checks. Bring everyone back to zero.

With the home base complete and virtually everyone stupid debt free, I’m going to purchase a fully loaded RV and two Doberman pinchers (for breeding purposes) and hit the road on a cross country mountain biking/disc golf tour. I will follow my muse and begin to create amazing oil paintings on black velvet canvases. I will drive into small towns and find the busiest intersection (usually at a gas station) and display my original art for sale. I will also sell Dobermans for $20 each (by this time I’ll have bred and trained 10 to 15 killers).

While on the road I’ll contact my oldest and greatest friends and begin to grant wishes. Cross country road trip on new motorcycles? Sure. A hiking trip through Vietnam? You got it. Two women at the same time? Well, I get that shit whenever I want now, so, sure, go for it.

Cause I got fuck you money.

I’m a big believer in doing good deeds and not telling anyone about it. I think that you lessen the deed if you tell anyone about it. Like you’re looking for praise or some such shit. So, vast generosity will be bestowed upon those deemed in need. I’ve got nothing more to say about that.

Oh yeah, I’ll also be keeping a detailed journal of my journey, to be self published under the title What I Did My First Year As a Super Millionaire.

Look for it June 2007.