Wednesday, January 25, 2006

one-legged yoko!!

Heather made Paul McCartney stop smoking weed

Heather Mills refused to marry Sir Paul McCartney unless he stopped smoking cannabis. The 37-year-old blonde said the former Beatle used the drug "as regularly as others drink cups of tea" but she gave him an ultimatum to ditch the drug or stay single.

She told Britain's Daily Mail newspaper: "Him and (his first wife) Linda smoked it every day for the whole of their lives together.

"But I would not get married to him if he was taking drugs. I hate it." Heather insists she introduced the ban for the sake of their daughter, two-year-old Beatrice. She added: "I could not have him lying to our child about not taking drugs and then going off for a sneaky puff.

"50 per cent of people can smoke joints their entire life and be fine. But the other 50 per cent, if there's a history of depression in their family or in their genes, then they cannot smoke marijuana."

The stunning blonde, who lost one of her legs in a motorcycle crash, also revealed she's always been clean and sober throughout her life.

teen today article

You'd have to be high to fuck a bitch with one leg.

Monday, January 23, 2006

restoring the rule of law



"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

-Bill Hicks

Monday, January 16, 2006

weak rundown about being rundown all weekend

Last week I worked really hard at work all week. So fucking hard, that today--Martin Luther King Day--I hardly have anything to do (which explains the creation of the post you're reading).

On Friday night I dined at a Turkish restaurant on the north side called A La Turka. A La Turka is the shit. I went with my hot girlfriend. We smoked some bud in the car and then searched the front seat for change for the meter for 6 minutes.

Inside we were seated at a table near the back. Our waitress was super stupid. I was admiring the ugly poster of two fisherman in the sunset, and the cheap frame in particular. She came over and dropped some BS story about how the poster was a picture from her homeland, the boundary waters between the middle east and europe and how badly she missed it, etc. etc. etc.

Yeah right, try the boundary waters between minnesota and canada... I could almost make out the Old Milwaukee logo cut out of the corner in the frame.

I drank Turkish beer (it tasted like Michelob) and sipped Turkish red wine (it tasted like sand) and sample some of my hot girlfriend's chicken kabob. It was excellent. I had made the mistake of eating two deep dish slices of pizza after work, and wasn't hungry.

I had to piss, so I waited in line in the back. I got a chance to look at all of the autographed pictures. The collection was bizarre: nearly every senior official of the Turkish government with the owner ("Josh"), and then pictures of Josh with the killer Don King and the head bouncer of the Jerry Springer Show, Steve.

About 9 o'clock A La Turka raffled off some $15 gift certificates and then the belly dancers came out. One was fat and Turkish, one was dumpy and white trash, and one was a stripper with huge fake tits, no body fat and a spastic tweaked cocaine shake. They danced to Turkish techno for about a half hour.

After dinner we walked over to the Lincoln Tap Room and drank two beers before calling it a night at 11:30 because we are pussy adults who are tired from working at our adult jobs where we have to take shit from baby boomers all week long. Baby boomers should chill the fuck out.


Saturday night I had my friends over to the apartment for some beers before the Peanut Butter Wolf show at the Abbey. I told 3 of them to bring over a CD boom box without telling them why. Pat's 1991 era CD boom box had "weight room" written all over it, with stickers dating back to 1991. After I got everyone good and hi, we turned on The Flaming Lips: Zaireeka... the release that has 4 CDs that you play at the same time... it's a musical journey.

Later we drove over to the Abbey to catch the show. Unfortunately hip hop has never really taken off in Chicago. I think that Chicago is too conservative and too midwest. Peanut Butter Wolf's set sounded fucking excellent, but in the meantime, fat girls got on stage, someone kept spilling beer on the soundboard guy, and improbably a plate glass window was broken. beats me.

I ended the night very drunk on beer and whisky.


I finally got up about 1:30 p.m. on Sunday and drank a glass of iced tea. Iced tea always cures my hangover. My hot girlfriend juiced me some carrots and apples... damn that sweet shit is good.

Later we went over to my friend Todd's place to watch Carolina take the Bears out of the season. I'm from Wisconsin, so I couldn't care less if the Bear ever win another game again, in fact there's something sweet about watching them wreck... In all honesty I just don't ever want to hear about the '85 Bears again. Stop talking about them, it's pathetic. It was (now) 20+ years ago, and Jim McMahon was eventually a 3rd sting QB on the Packers.

After that we caught the 3rd period of the Blackhawks game with the free 13th row off the ice tickets that Todd got from work.

Later, I crashed.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Larry David refuses to see "Brokeback Mountain"

I love gay people. Hey, I've got gay acquaintances. Good acquaintances, who know they can call me anytime if they had my phone number. I'm for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don't want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That's all.

Is that so terrible? Does that mean I'm homophobic? And if I am, well, then that's too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I'm still not going to that movie.

Larry David refuses to see "Brokeback Mountain"

2006: radical change or slow moving existance?

I don't make new years resolutions because I don't like to set myself up for failure.

2006 promises to be either a year of radical change, or a year of slow moving existance. Maybe I'll gain 40 lbs this year... that's just about an extra 3 lbs a month for the next year. That should be super easy to do. I see fat people all the time. All I have to do is figure out how they packed on all that extra shit. This may be simpler than I initially thought. All I have to do is go where the fat people go and eat what the fat people eat.

Like, I know that if I eat an entire box of Oreo Double Stuff in one sitting for lunch one day, and the next day I eat $6 worth of Burger King, I am totally on my way to getting an extra 3 lbs of fat parked right on my ass.

So, getting fat this year achieves both goals: it will be a radical change AND it will turn being [tim] into a slow moving experience.


Oh, and by the way (secretly and publicly), I believe that fat people have a choice. They don't have to be fat, they just accept it. This is how thin people stay thin: exercise and sensible eating habits.


I excel at -- and have a talent for -- being mean.