Friday, October 29, 2004

uncle keith: a nephew remembers!!

Some of you may be fans of my uncle keith, the turtleneck and sportscoat wearing chief of police of a town of 9,000 in south central wisconsin.

uncle keith had a commission report come out in 2003 that said that he was too intimidating, held too many grudges, was too confrontational, and was too blind to still have a gun.

he's a tough old bastard... the article mentions something about needing lung surgery -- and he just had a quadruple bypass last christmas --

who basically prosecuted a city council member who was running for mayor for sexual misconduct... groping and slipping $5 bills to two skanks that were dancing on the bar, sucking down draft beers and doing shots in some townie shit hole.

uncle keith did this mostly for personal revenge. he also did it because nobody fucks with uncle keith, ever.

uncle keith pretty much admitted at a family gathering that it was a set-up, because the guy (rappe) had commissioned the report, and he felt like they were going to push him out. so anyway, uncle keith resigned last week, pretty much because they were going to fire him.


a side note: uncle keith and his men got into trouble a few years ago because there were too many dogs shot when they were on duty. they had claimed that it was self-protection, but they were all shot in the back.

uncle keith: a town remembers!!

Considering prospects for police

The city is not outwardly different this week.

But for the first time since Ronald Reagan was president, Uncle Keith is not the police chief.

Uncle Keith retired after the city police commission moved Friday to suspend him for 90 days without pay for alleged misconduct in his investigation of former Alderman Rappe.

The police department is crucial to local businesses, no matter who heads it, said Riedel.

Riedel manages the Stop-N-Go store downtown.

"They watch the store on third shift," she said. "It's a comforting thought."

Riedel said she's less concerned about department leadership than she is about the number of police officers patrolling the town.

The city personnel commission will meet to discuss the department's structure tonight.

The city council voted not to fill a vacancy in 2003, taking the department from 11 officers to 10.

A 2003 report from a Virginia consultant recommended that the department downsize to nine officers, with the chief tackling part-time patrol duty.

Before Uncle Keith retired, the department had 10 officers. Now nine officers staff the department headed by Klubertanz, a department lieutenant who was named interim chief.

Riedel said she would like to see the department staff as many officers as possible. She said she would worry if the department trimmed officers.

"I think it would be real intimidating," she said.

The personnel committee will consider all options for the department roster, said Schieldt, police commission chairman.

"There'll be discussion into many aspects of the future in the police department," he said.

The department math will depend partly on whether the commission hires a new chief from within the department. The police commission will discuss the chief-search at 6 p.m. Wednesday at the station, Schieldt said.

Klubertanz is a good pick to follow Uncle Keith, said Kuhlow, Decoy Bar and Grill owner.

"From what I know, he's very capable," he said. "I think he'd probably do a good job."

Uncle Keith said Klubertanz is ready for the spot.

"We've been grooming Klubertanz for that position for a long time," he said. "He's a natural."

The commission should promote from within, Uncle Keith said.

"The employees have to have something to look forward to," he added.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

uncle keith: stripped of badge and gun!!

Police chief resigns

Police Chief Keith retired Friday immediately after he was served a city police commission decision to suspend him for 90 days without pay.

The commission ruled to suspend Uncle Keith for alleged inappropriate conduct in his investigation of former Alderman Rappe.

Uncle Keith said he was relieved to rid himself of the town's persistent political controversy. "I'm tired," the 33-year department veteran said.

"The political B.S. has just gotten to the point where it's non-stop."

"I've been an outsider for 33 years," said Uncle Keith, "I've never been accepted, so fine."

The commission planned to suspend the 53-year-old chief starting Monday.

"Chief Keith failed to follow the principles of integrity, fairness and impartiality in connection with his duties," the eight-page report said.

Uncle Keith maintained that he did not act inappropriately or unethically.

"There was not sufficient evidence to support those charges," he said

The report sprung from an October 15 hearing for a complaint filed by City Prosecutor Pope.

Uncle Keith defended himself against Pope's allegations at an epic afternoon and evening Police Commission hearing that stretched past midnight.

The commission sided with Pope in saying Uncle Keith crossed the line to hit Rappe in connection with a rowdy night at a tavern downtown in November 2003.

City police arrested Rappe in April for misdemeanor sexual assault, battery and disorderly conduct. County District Attorney O'Leary dropped the sexual assault and battery charges. Rappe later moved away.

The commission said Uncle Keith showed bias by delaying charging Rappe until April and by waiting until March to take a written witness statement.

Uncle Keith said he delayed starting the investigation because he didn't want to influence the mayoral race. Mayor McIntyre defeated Rappe in the April mayoral race.

"There is no reasonable basis for the chief to choose to do anything other than to either take a statement or to turn the matter over to an independent agency such as the sheriff's department," the report said.

The commission focused on a conversation between Uncle Keith and City Administrator Flanigan.

Flanigan testified that Uncle Keith told her that Rappe should know that if he resigned from the city council and dropped out of the mayoral race, the charges would go away.

"If the alderperson committed a crime, there was no reasonable basis for considering that he might avoid prosecution simply by resigning from his official position," the commission said.

Uncle Keith said he asked Flanigan if a deal with Rappe was possible.

He said the town has a history of letting embattled city employees leave their posts in exchange for dropped charges.

The commission said the Rappe case was different, because the alderman was elected, not appointed.

"The use of a potential criminal charge solely to induce resignation of a city alderperson is not a course of action that should ever be taken or even considered by a city police chief," the commission ruled.

The commission also zeroed in on a meeting of Uncle Keith and Pope.

Pope said Uncle Keith threatened to slap him with a complaint if the city prosecutor didn't pursue Rappe as the chief wanted.

"Clearly, the chief's interest in these otherwise insignificant municipal ordinance proceedings was extraordinary," the commission said.

The commission said it was unable to rule on whether Uncle Keith violated a specific department rule, as Pope said he did.

The department sided with Pope in saying Uncle Keithtried to gain an unfair advantage in the case by contacting Municipal Judge Furan.

Furan testified Uncle Keith called him to tell him Rappe's accusers would lie about the chief's conduct.

"Whether or not Chief Keith was violating the law, he was violating department rules concerning integrity, fairness and impartiality," the commission said.

Uncle Keith and police administrative assistant Balis, who was in the room when Uncle Keith called Furan, said Furan's comments were inaccurate.

Uncle Keith marshaled several long-time police officers to say he did not overstep his bounds by hanging on to the Rappe investigation.

"Anytime a police department receives a complaint from a citizen, their responsibility is to act on it," said former town sheriff Tilley.

The commission said the witnesses were not credible. The report said they testified to protect the chief. The commission did not find that Uncle Keith violated a aspecific statute.

The board said it did not fire Uncle Keith only because of his record of service to the city.

A 2003 study from a Virginia consultant labeled the chief "controversial" and "intimidating."

"There was never a finding of fact pertaining to the comments of that study," Uncle Keith said.

Uncle Keith plans to file a complaint against Pope on separate allegations of misconduct. Uncle Keith also said he would have lung surgery soon.

uncle keith: eve of reckoning!!

Accusations and contradictions fueled a marathon city police commission hearing Friday afternoon and evening. Police Chief Uncle Keith defended himself against City Prosecutor Pope's allegations of misconduct in a roasting administrative boardroom at the town high school.

Pope said Uncle Keith chased former Alderman Rappe beyond the bounds of ethical police conduct. He also accused Uncle Keith of single-mindedly "headhunting" Rappe.

"Chief Keith crossed the line,"
he said. "I had to do something about this."

Uncle Keith denied each of Pope's accusations and denied that his investigation violated any ethical or procedural rules. "I agree with Mr. Pope on one thing," he told the police commission and small audience, "that nobody wants to be here today."

Rappe was arrested in April for misdemeanor sexual assault, battery and disorderly conduct in connection with a rowdy night at a tavern downtown in November 2003. Rappe pleaded no contest to disorderly conduct. County District Attorney O'Leary dropped the sexual assault and battery charges. Rappe later moved away.

Pope said Uncle Keith tried to influence his prosecutions of the women that Rappe, who was running for mayor during the investigation, was accused of groping.

Pope said Uncle Keith threatened to hit him with a complaint if he did not prosecute the women the way Uncle Keith wanted.

"My role as prosecutor of the city is not to do what Chief Keith wants me to do," Pope said.

Uncle Keith said in his rebuttal to the complaint that Pope was "very unprofessional" and "uncooperative" when the chief met with him to talk about the case.

Uncle Keith said he planned to file a state complaint against Pope before the attorney filed his complaint. He also said he thought Pope was trying to sabotage the case against the women.

He said Pope has "personal issues" with the department.

Pope denied the accusation.

"I'm personally offended by his remarks in his statement that I was trying to sabotage the case," Pope said.

Pope also accused Uncle Keith of trying to influence Municipal Judge Furan. In videotaped testimony, Furan said Uncle Keith called to tell him that the two women involved in the incident would lie about Uncle Keith's conduct.

Furan described what Uncle Keith told him.

"He says 'whatever happens, those b-- are lying,'" Furan said.

Balis, an administrative assistant for the police department, said she was in the room when Uncle Keith phoned Furan and testified that Uncle Keith did not describe the women as "a couple of lying b---."

Uncle Keith said Furan testified against him because he was angry about unflattering comments the chief made about the judge in his rebuttal to Pope's complaint.

"The statement that he provided is not accurate," Uncle Keith said.

Pope also accused Uncle Keith of floating the idea that if Rappe resigned from the city council and dropped out of the mayoral race, he would "make the charges go away."

Uncle Keith did do this, said City Administrator Ramona Flanigan.

"On more than one occasion, Chief Keith indicated that Rappe should know that if he resigned, the charges would go away," she said.

Uncle Keith said the city has a history of letting officials accused of crimes trade resignations for dropped charges.

Uncle Keith's questions aimed to show he only asked Flanigan if a deal with Rappe was an option. Flanigan said she did not believe Uncle Keith was asking, but telling.

Pope, along with former City Attorney Jeffrey Roethe, said Uncle Keith should have turned the case over to the County Sheriff's Department.

"The police department should not be doing the investigation of those people," said Roethe, who is a senior partner at Pope's law firm.

Pope's case was grounded in the accusation that Uncle Keith went after Rappe for political reasons.

Pope focused on the space between November 2003, when the incident allegedly occurred, and April, when the police department filed charges.

Uncle Keith's questions for Mayor McIntyre and Alderman Thompson jabbed at proving the delay had nothing to do with politics.

Uncle Keith sought to show that the police department and council were very busy and that some involved parties were hard to reach.

McIntyre, who reported the incident at the bar, testified that Uncle Keith was initially skeptical of the mayor's tip. He said Uncle Keith expressed worry that the arrest would look political.

Uncle Keith called several long-time police officers to testify that he did nothing unusual.

Former police officer Maves said he had studied the case. "Everything I looked at," he said "seemed entirely appropriate." It isn't standard to turn over investigations of elected officials to county cops, said a former town sheriff. "Anytime a police department receives a complaint from a citizen, their responsibility is to act on it," he said.

The hearing was still in progress at 8:30 p.m.

Commission counsel David Moore said the counsel will have to release findings by Wednesday.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

good 30, cutter

cutter is 30.

Monday, October 25, 2004


oh yeah... I want to give a shout out to my nigga mysterios!! but, I must clarify that mysterios is hispanic.

mysterios isn't working here anymore and his company is missed. my lunch hours are now a promiscous time - each day spent with a different partner from a pool of several lunch partners.

mysterios may leave us for the great white north.

operation purse retrieval

On friday night I went to my friend Matt's engagement party at this old money Italian steak house in the gold coast. I'd always wanted to go to this particular place because they have an excellent brick patio in the back.

It's wild to be attending Matt's engagement. I've been really close friends with the kid since we were 12. We've drank many, many beers and have killed many, many small animals together. Pushing 30, that covers a great deal of life and personality evolution. It's gold. With no best man, myself, Matt's two brothers and a couple extra guys will have to piece together his bachelor party for early next summer. I expect matt to hug me and tell me he loves me like a brother, just like every time he does when he somehow paces my Stella pints to his seven & sevens. Fucking wild man!

All of Lisa's friends are these 24 year old firecrackers. Each has a pretty face, usually a borderline obnoxious outgoing personality, an open to suggestion attitude and an extra 10 pounds from pounding beers in bars.

One girl was loaded and asked me to go home with her. She was staggering and kept trying to kiss me. I told her no. She told me that I wanted to and that I didn't know what I was missing. I said no. She walked off and 20 minutes later I saw her still with her friends, doing a shot fucked up.

Maybe a half hour after that, I called it a night and left to catch a cab. That same girl followed me out of the bar and wanted to take the cab with me. I opened up the door and let her in. Then I bent inside and told the cab driver to take her home, tossed a $10 bill into the front seat, closed the door, walked to the cab lined behind, got in and had him drive me home.

We talked about Jesus and the Book of Revelations.

On sunday I met up with my sister Kristine to catch up. We biked it down the lake front and she told me that the bike path was her walk home. We talked about how our dad is working at a plant outside of milwaukee on lake michigan. he's getting a kick out of seeing the differing shade of color the lake reflects on any given day. it's fun to hear that because lake michigan is a unique natural wonder that I've lived no more than two miles from -- in three different cities -- for the past 11 of 12 years... and catching the color change is something I notice and appreciate as well.

Kristine left her purse on a bench for no reason and remembered that she left it on a bench for no reason about a mile away on North Avenue. I had her wait and I booked back to the beach. of course nobody saw a purse. I checked the garbage cans - nothing. I looked under park benches - nothing. I asked a drunk what time it was - he didn't have a watch on.

I called my sister's cell phone and got a british voice on the phone. I wanted to know where the purse was. He told me that he was at a starbucks on clark. I told him I'd be there in 5 minutes. I cut through the park, shooting past families with children, lap dogs, old people. I'm sure one of them thought "where the hell is he going in such a hurry?" wwwwwwellll.... I'm on Operation Purse Retrieval, you nosy bitch, so Piss Off!!!

I get to the starbucks and saw her purse at a table with a 40 year old fag, a 30 year old fag and their fat 35 year old smiling fag hag. they were cool about it, so I reached for a $10 bill. they refused, I dropped it on the table, thanked them and walked back out to my bike.

I rode up, told my sister what happened and she was relieved. she was so happy that homos look out for other people and do good deeds when they can - it's because they've been shit on so many times in their lives by people close to them and otherwise, that they lend a hand when they can.

If I'd walked into a "negotiation" scenerio with whoever had the purse, I would've just taken it from them... stepped closer... and a stare down that told you "if you try to take this back I am going to break your arm."

...but these fags were cool so I decided to pay it forward.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

no ween for you!!

I got tipped off last night that motherfuckin' WEEN cancelled their tour. I check the internet this morning and it was confirmed: NO WEEN SHOW IN MADISON ON NOVEMBER 8TH! BOOOOOOOOOO!

No real reason/no rescheduled dates (yet). son of bitch mother fuck. I was looking forward to a quick ween in and out of the city. that derails the plans that were in motion... they were in motion, bobo.

I was going to cut out of work at 3pm and pick up Sarah for the three hour drive to Madison... hook up with Eric and Burke and Tadd and rock the fuck out to motherfucking ween and then get back to Illinois at some point in the early morning. for motherfucking work the next day.




this is a little spiel that this guy mark told me one night at a kegger. for some reason it's stayed with me 7+ years...

"hispanics live in the present, for their family, so they're aware of their present surroundings, and generally tend to be on time.

asians today live into their future, cultivate optimism, for what might be, and generally tend to be early.

blacks tend to remember and cherish the past and their history, which is always looking back, in time and generally tend to be late."


I'm tired as all fuck (again). I finally got this DVD that I ordered from some wank in the UK... a 45 minute filmed interview of John Frusciante from 1995 or 1996 when he was a full on cocaine/heroin addict. It's supposed to be demonic. It only took 2 weeks to get here.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

steven seagal

Over the weekend while I was visiting my friend Rick in Michigan, the weather was shite and we spent most of saturday afternoon chewing the fat on his deck, looking into the distance and smoking blunts.

Rick and I got into this intense discussion about "action film stars," and how in all of stallone's movies, schwarzenegger's and bruce willis' "movies"... they all at some point take a serious Jesus and The Passion beating.

Note: this is only when they're playing the "action star" and not embarrassing themselves with some bullshit light comedy that's marketed to appeal to the masses in heartland bumble-fuck fly-over country. It should also be noted that this is the same brain dead demographic that Bush is successfully marketing the Iraq war to.

So they all make action movies where their "character" takes a serious and totally inhuman fucked up beating. The kind of savage beating that no normal man could withstand. Formula dictates that soon after they get their ass kicked, Survivor or Frank Stallone kicks in and a re-training!! getting stronger!! planning revenge!! montage begins.

This seems to be a commonality amongst all of the notable action stars with the exception of one: Steven Seagal!

Steven Seagal is a master of Aikido and he ALWAYS fucks people up, and he never gets hurt.

In fact every one of his movies is about him (Steven Seagal) as a soft spoken bad ass who never takes shit from anybody (but is kind to children), and some thrown-together plot involving some sort of crime or the killing of someone close to Steven Seagal, for the sole purpose of justifying a sadistic showcase of arm snapping, bone crushing and ass kicking...

basically a highlight reel of Steven Seagal fucking people up.

Another thing that you can always count on is watching the head bad guy get fucking killed in an especially fucked-up, creative, ultra-violent and sick over-kill murder montage of dismemberment in slow-mo.

Shit like his head getting blown off by a missile, or getting fucked up by a whale harpoon after a directors-cut only 12 minute ass fucking, or getting tossed off of a mountain after having his head blown off by a missile and getting fucked up by a whale harpoon after a directors-cut only 12 minute ass fucking and then blown away by an entire 50-round magazine clip of acid-filled hollow point armor-piercing machine gun bullets.

fuck. that sounds like the ultimate career move.

There's only one other name that comes to mind in the realm of ultimate narscistic career moves. That name is Peter North. That career move is his "North Pole" series of videos and dvds of middle aged Peter North paying 22 year old strippers to fuck him on camera. The plot is always the same one each time: Peter North fucks strippers. Then Peter North rakes in millions on dvd sales.

what the fuck am I doing with my life?

so you'd think that Steven Seagal had done more than his share in contributing to our popular culture... our collective revenge fantasy itch... and each American's general seemingly-untapped inner rage... but there's more! Steven Seagal is a renaissance man. he preaches peace (in the neo-con republican definition of preaching "peace") and has released an album of original music to our friends in Old Europe. check out a clip of “Girl It’s alright” and “My God” featuring Stevie Wonder (Remember, Stevie hasn’t seen his movies).

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

uncle keith: city council strikes back!!

Hearing on Uncle Keith scheduled for Friday

A lingering city political controversy will rev up again Friday.

Police Chief Uncle Keith will take on allegations of inappropriate conduct in an open hearing of the city police commission at noon in the administrative boardroom at the High School.

City Attorney Pope filed a complaint with the city Sept. 8 accusing Uncle Keith of ethics and conduct violations in handling an investigation of former Alderman Rappe.

Uncle Keith called the charges "totally ridiculous" in late September. He said Pope's accusations were not thoroughly investigated.

He said Pope doesn't have just cause for any of his allegations.

Uncle Keith, 54, has prepared a rebuttal to Pope's accusations.

Police arrested Rappe in April on suspicion of misdemeanor sexual assault, battery and disorderly conduct.

Rappe pleaded no contest to disorderly conduct and paid a $164 fine. County District Attorney O'Leary dropped the battery and sexual assault charges.

Rappe left his city council seat and moved away in July.

The hearing will not be a criminal proceeding but will follow some courtroom-style procedures, said David Moore, police commission attorney.

Both sides will be allowed 10-minute opening statements, Moore said.

After that, Pope will be given the floor to call witnesses or testify himself. Uncle Keith will be allowed to cross-examine, Moore said.

Uncle Keith will follow Pope in calling witnesses or testifying. Pope will be given the opportunity to rebut Uncle Keith's comments or witnesses.

Throughout, police commission members or Moore will be allowed to ask questions.

Pope and Uncle Keith will be allowed closing statements, Moore said.

Moore said the commission likely will move into closed session after the hearing.

The commission will have to make written findings by Wednesday, Moore said.

"The findings could be that there's no legitimacy to Pope's complaint," Moore said, "to that the chief has violated the standards of his profession."

The complaint accuses Uncle Keith of chasing Rappe beyond the limits of ethical police conduct.

Pope's complaint says Uncle Keith interfered with an investigation into the women involved in the groping incident.

The complaint accuses Uncle Keith of trying to influence Municipal Judge Furan. Pope's complaint says Uncle Keith told Furan the women involved in the incident lied in their statements.

Uncle Keith said in September that he and Furan spoke as acquaintances and did not discuss the case.

The complaint alleges Uncle Keith tried to tell Pope how to prosecute the case. The thick complaint says Burdick threatened to file a complaint against Pope if he didn't comply.

Uncle Keith said in late September that he planned to file a state complaint against Pope before the attorney issued his grievance. He said the complaint will accuse Pope of misconduct and ethics violations as city prosecutor.

In September, Uncle Keith said Pope had personal issues with the department.

The 33-year-police veteran said in September that Pope is "throwing up a smokescreen to cover up his own misconduct."

A 2003 report from a Virginia consultant called the chief "controversial" and "intimidating."

"There was never a finding of fact pertaining to the comments of the study," Uncle Keith said. "I was never given an opportunity to rebut that."

uncle keith returns!!

Uncle Keith gets his man.

In April at a family party Uncle Keith sat me down and in great detail explained how he was going to get revenge on his enemies on the city council. It all sounded pretty fucked up, and I wondered if he'd do it.

He did.

"Rowdy night results in councilman's arrest"

City Councilman Rappe has been arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor sexual assault, disorderly conduct and battery stemming from a rowdy November night at a bar on Fulton Street. Rappe, a two-time candidate for mayor, was booked at the County Jail on Monday afternoon and released. He will make his first court appearance on May 17.

Whether Rappe, 36, will face trial is up to District Attorney O'Leary. O'Leary was unavailable for comment, and an assistant said his office had yet to receive Rappe's file.

Police Chief Keith said Rappe was drunk when he groped two women who were dancing provocatively on the bar of the downtown watering hole. He said the women-Milz, 21, and Arthur, 26-asked Rappe to stop. Both have been arrested on disorderly conduct charges.

Uncle Keith said Milz later was fired from her job as a bartender at the bar by owner Plautz, who has not been charged.

Ironically, Rappe serves on the city liquor license committee and campaigned on a platform of reducing the number of downtown bars.

Uncle Keith said Rappe went to the bar after a city council meeting with Alderman Thompson, who left after an hour. Mayor McIntyre arrived later and stayed with Rappe until the bar closed shortly before 2 a.m.

Uncle Keith said interviews with patrons showed that neither Thompson nor McIntyre were involved in the groping.

McIntyre, who was opposed by Rappe in the April election, filed a complaint with Uncle Keith that week.

The investigation was not a secret during the campaign, but the chief said he delayed Rappe's arrest so it would not affect the election.

During the campaign, McIntyre described the bar incident to a reporter as "stupid." He said he had discussed the night's activities with Uncle Keith but believed it was something best left for Rappe and his wife to work out.

McIntyre, who is about to start his fifth term as mayor, said Rappe told him not to tell anyone about the night's activities. He also said Rappe told him to remember that he was at the bar, too.

On Tuesday, McIntyre said he reported the incident to Uncle Keith because "it just seemed the right thing to do."
He said he did not believe the investigation altered the outcome of the election and that he had no political motivation to report Rappe to Uncle Keith.

"I will continue to do city business as best I can," McIntyre said.

He said he did not know what effect Rappe's arrest would have on the city's image or council relations.

In a signed statement given to police earlier this year, Rappe acknowledged he was at the bar and said that two women were dancing in a provocative manner on the bar and pulling up their own underwear. He admitted giving them $3 or $4 but said he saw no touching or nudity.

In a statement, Rappe said he was "extremely shocked" by the charges but claimed "complete and total innocence."

"I feel very unfortunate for all the people who are or have been involved in this situation," he said.

"It is regrettable that the complaint was filed by McIntyre during a political campaign," he wrote. "I am confident that the truth will come out and true justice will be served."

His attorney said he suspects the complaint was politically motivated.

"We have yet to complete our interviews," he said. "Right now we don't have the facts. All we have is the police investigation."

News of the arrest quickly spread through the community of 5,000 that is struggling to improve its image and attract new business.

Councilman Schieldt, a confidant of Uncle Keith's, called Rappe's arrest an embarrassment to town. He said Rappe should resign from the council.

"It's a debacle, and I'm just sick about his behavior," he said. "Council members are under a microscope and should stay above the fray.

"But I don't feel that one brush of dishonor should mess up the total portrait of a good council. I also don't think this affected the mayor's race. He won by a margin of 551 to 410 votes."

Hale, a critic of Rappe, said he should quit the council.

"This looks very bad," she said. "People are supposed to look up to council members and trust them. What was he thinking?"

Councilman Lund called Rappe's arrest a "political act" by both Uncle Keith and McIntyre. Lund, who has clashed with Uncle Keith over the past decade, said Rappe should not resign.

"I think a lot of this has to do with Rappe's questioning of police budget issues, especially after that harshly critical study was done by a consultant last year," he said.

"The chief will do anything to get back at people who question him. I know that from past personal experience."

Lund was arrested by Edgerton police in 1992 with several other aldermen for allegedly violating open meeting laws. He was acquitted of the charges. Later that year, his wife was arrested for drunken driving in Edgerton.

Lund said he no longer would trust McIntyre.

"I'm not going to go anywhere with him that I don't have to," he said.

Both Rappe and Lund serve on the public safety committee, which oversees the police department. At a Tuesday night reorganization meeting, both men were returned to their positions on the committee.

Lund said he is fairly certain McIntyre is acting on Uncle Keith's behalf and he suspects that the two may have cut some sort of deal.

"McIntyre wouldn't do anything the chief doesn't want," he said.

Lund said Rappe's arrest will only give town another "black eye."

"This is not what we need now," he said. "We try to get our town on the right track and promote good things we are doing. And then stuff like this happens. It's frustrating."

Uncle Keith declined to respond to Lund's charges but said he and Rappe had established a good working relationship in the fall.

"I'm honestly sorry this has happened," he said.

Uncle Keith, however, expressed dismay with unidentified city officials whom he said attempted to pressure him into turning the Rappe case over to either the County Sheriff's Department or the district attorney's office.

"We don't do that here," Uncle Keith said.
"If we had, then I think politics could have entered into things. But I played it straight, and the facts will bear that out."

Monday, October 18, 2004

uncle keith, part II

A matter of public safety?

Similarly, Hale frames the issue in terms of public safety.

"Yes, a million dollars is a lot of money," she said. "But what is a life worth? I think our chief is doing a wonderful job. He's on top of everything, and we have a very low crime rate because of it."

Hale said she believes the $19,000 spent on the consultant's report was wasted.

"It was nonsense," she said. "We don't need people coming in here who don't know our city. This could have been done by the public safety commission. Where are those people's brains?"

Hale also scoffed at charges that Uncle Keith is threatening.

"Uncle Keith is a good-hearted person," she said. "When you are chief, you have to have authority. But he loves children and helping people. If he didn't like this town, why would he do all the things he's done for us?

"As far as I'm concerned, the mean people are the ones on the city council who are out to get Uncle Keith."

Councilman Haagensen, whom Hale called a "good man," said he believes the consultant's report was fair and unbiased. Haagensen has been on the council for nearly a dozen years and has been a Uncle Keith supporter.

"If some people in the community believe Chief Keith is confrontational and intimidating, then that's a concern," Haagensen said. "Now, we've got to go forward.

"It will take time, but I believe we will act on some of the 45 recommendations. There are going to be some changes."

Hatlin, who served on the council for two years, was initially reluctant to talk about a clash he had with Uncle Keith last year at a police budget hearing. Other residents, including several city council members, did not return phone calls requesting interviews for this story.

"I said I didn't believe everything was going to go to pieces if we spent less money," Hatlin said. "And I pointed out that other small towns have lower per capita costs, and they had not become hotbeds of criminal activity."

Hatlin, an Air Force veteran, said Uncle Keith exploded at him and launched what he called a personal attack.

"He said I'd never been to the police department, so how the hell did I know what I was talking about," Hatlin said. "He was very confrontational. Yes, it had me a little worried."

Hatlin said he enjoyed his work on the council but decided not to run for re-election because of the time commitment.

"I toyed with idea of staying on, in part because of this whole thing with the police department and its budget," he said. "It's going to take strong leadership to see this through. I'd like to see the truth come out and get police costs under control."

Uncle Keith said he was justifiably upset with Hatlin because the councilman had not taken the time to learn about department costs, its budget or the labor union contract.

Lund, who also serves on the Fire Protection District Board, said Uncle Keith wrongly believes he and his allies are "out to get" the chief because city police have arrested him and his wife.

"But that's not the case," Lund said. "It wasn't Uncle Keith who poured the beer down her throat. She made a mistake. And the open meeting law violation charges were dropped.

"I do not have a personal vendetta against him. But I do have a problem with him saying my family has been involved in criminal activities. He needs to accept some responsibility for management and morale problems at the police department and quit trying to blame everyone else."

'He is quite confrontational'

Lund said the consultant's report "hit it right on the head," both for its cost-cutting suggestions and its characterizations of Uncle Keith's behavior.

"He is quite confrontational and threatening," he said. "And my family and I are not the only ones who have felt it. City employees have experienced his wrath and vulgarities, too."

Lund said he knew something had to be done when the police department budget got close to $1 million-an increase of 27 percent since 1998.

"I had cops coming to me saying that we didn't need certain jobs being performed," Lund said. "Uncle Keith called that harassment and said I was undermining his department. Heck, I've had patrolmen complaining to me for four years."

Lund said the city hired the consultant because the council could not agree with Uncle Keith on how to cut the budget.

Uncle Keith countered that little can be trimmed while the contract is in effect through the end of 2004.

Lund said he believes change will come slowly, with the chief cooperating when he has to, then dragging his feet.

"Everyone knows police personnel can be used more efficiently," Lund said. "I hope this report will move the process along."

The councilman said he was shocked to read the consultant's comments on the department's record keeping. Rob described it as a "serious shortcoming."

But Lund said he was not surprised to learn that the consultant thought Irmen, the department's detective sergeant, was doing much of the department's administrative work.

Lund said he believes Uncle Keith was unhappy with the consultant's study because he could not direct it.

"Rob was independent and not under his control, so Uncle Keith couldn't manipulate the results," he said. "The chief clearly didn't like that."

Lund said he worries that the tension between city officials and the police chief is tarnishing Edgerton's reputation.

"This is a great place to live, but we've gotten a black eye," he said. "I worry that down the road it may be hard to fill the chief's position because of all this controversy."

Flanigan, city administrator since 1998, said the fights between the police chief and some city officials miss "the big picture." She also argued that the survey was never intended to be a "witch hunt."

"What this discussion really should be about is having the best, most efficient department we can based on the money we have to spend on police services," she said.

'We are moving forward'

She also noted that recent public safety committee meetings-attended by both the chief and Lund-have been civil.

"This is a complicated process, but we are moving forward," Flanigan said. "The chief has agreed not to fill a vacant position, so we are down one officer. And (Detective Sergeant) Irmen already has begun to patrol again."

Mayor McIntyre, who described the police department as "top heavy" with administration, said cuts are coming soon.

"It's gonna happen," he said. "Irmen will be back on the street full time by the end of the year. Things are going to be some major changes and many of the things the cosultant suggested will be enacted."

Councilman Rappe said that Uncle Keith has cooperated with city committees in recent weeks and that he expects that to continue as the department undergoes a transformation.

Rappe also disputed Uncle Keith's claim that the report was biased.

"We brought in an outsider and a professional organization with no preconceived notions about town," he said. "We got a fair study, and I think they did a good job."

But he acknowledged the bad blood between Uncle Keith and Lund.

"There is a personality and relationship problem between those two," Rappe said. "But Lund is just one of many people interviewed and only one council member. He did not write that report."

uncle keith!!

uncle keith is a bastard. this is too funny:

Uncle Keith is chief topic in Edgerton

After 53-year-old Police Chief Keith underwent emergency heart bypass surgery 18 months ago, he considered hanging up his badge and retiring.

He has since changed his mind, emphatically so.

Uncle Keith, a 32-year veteran of the force, now says he plans to stay on the job for another 20 years. He won't leave, he said, while some in City Hall are trying to force him out-or back into a uniform and patrol car.

"I have no intention of retiring," said the 18-year chief, who favors turtlenecks and sports coats.

Uncle Keith is paid $61,000 a year.

Uncle Keith said a Virginia consulting firm's highly critical review of his department has only made him want to stay longer. The report was prepared at the request of the City Council, which is facing a loss of $81,000 in state funds this year. In addition, insurance costs have risen $60,000 this year, city officials said.

The report made 45 suggestions about how to improve the department, make it more efficient and trim its $1 million budget. It labeled Uncle Keith - whose language is often laced with obscenities- as "confrontational" and "intimidating."

Rob, the 21-year police veteran who wrote the report, defended his critique and said he spent more time with Uncle Keith -both in person and in follow-up calls-than he usually does with chiefs in reviews of police departments.

"The chief was not cut out of the loop," he said. "He had input, and he was part of the process."

Rob said Uncle Keith did not intimidate him.

"I've been around," said Rob, a former deputy chief in Fairfax County. "But he became less cooperative as time went on because he wasn't happy with some of the people I was talking to."

Nor did Uncle Keith like it when Rob asked him why he didn't collect or analyze crime data, the consultant said.

"His answer was that it was a waste of time," Rob said. "But those reports are exceedingly important because they show how you should use your personnel and resources."

Uncle Keith also bristled, Rob said, when he asked him if he was a sworn police officer and if he had taken firearms training and passed the appropriate tests this year.

The chief called Rob's comments "bull--" and dismissed his report as biased.

Uncle Keith, who said he is legally blind in his left eye, explained that he had taken the firearms training but had failed the test.

"Also, I didn't say I thought annual reports were a waste of time. I told him that's what I'd been told by City Hall," he said. "That guy got a lot of things wrong."

Rob denied that anyone in City Hall manipulated the report. And he called Uncle Keith's charge that he had slanted the report to garner future references "patently ridiculous."

Uncle Keith acknowledged that he can be "brutally honest" and said he has little time for subtleties and people who "talk in circles."

He joined the Police Department as a patrolman and worked his way up through the ranks. He became chief of the 4,500-resident town in 1985.

He serves at the police and fire commission's pleasure. The commission is separate from the city council, which controls the police department budget.

Wesner, legal counsel to the police and fire commission, said he advised the panel to stay out of the squabble between Uncle Keith and city officials.

"If the chief is taking this report personally, he needs to take it up with the city council," Wesner said. "I don't think the study was a hatchet job. It said the department was good overall. He should review it with an open mind and take it as constructive criticism."

'Problematic' relationships

During his tenure as chief, Uncle Keith said he has had a "problematic" relationship with city administrators, employees and council members. In addition, he said he undoubtedly has angered patrolmen he has fired and residents whom his department has investigated and arrested.

"It comes with the territory," Uncle Keith said. "Being police chief is not a popularity contest."

Uncle Keith has waged nearly open warfare with Lund, who has served on the council for more than a decade. It has worsened since Lund and others began pushing for budget cuts last year.

In 1992, police arrested Lund for allegedly violating the state opening meetings law. Later that year, Lund's wife was arrested for drunken driving.

"I was a supporter of the chief's once," said Lund, who serves on the city's public safety committee. "But I've been saying for a long time that the city would run a lot better if he (Uncle Keith) weren't involved. I think what a lot of this is about is him wanting some kind of big financial buyout from the city.

"He figures the more difficult he is, the more we'll offer for him to retire. But it's not going to happen that way. At least not with me."

The chief, for his part, refers to Lund as a "lying sack of s--" and a "god-damned liar."

Uncle Keith has his backers, however.

Henning worked with and then for Uncle Keith as a patrolman and later as a lieutenant from 1980 to 1989. He said Uncle Keith is one of the best police chiefs has ever had. Henning, who is now a private investigator, left the force after he was injured arresting a drunk.

"I enjoyed working under Uncle Keith," he said. "He brought that department out of the stone age and into the 21st century. He is very firm and authoritarian, but I had no problem with that. He was an excellent leader."

Rather than being scary, Henning described Uncle Keith as a "straight shooter."

"With Uncle Keith, there is never any doubt about exactly where he is coming from," Henning said. "I never thought he was too blunt. To me, a lot of this fuss is your typical small-town politics."

Nelson, now police chief of Cambia, worked for Uncle Keith from 1988 to 1996. Nelson was in charge of operations and training and wrote the department's policy procedures.

He called Uncle Keith "extremely organized and a top-notch leader. I wouldn't be where I am today without him. Not only was he my boss, but he is a good friend."

He said Uncle Keith was direct and only became upset when people criticized him behind his back or told lies about him.

Nelson described Lund as "evil and spiteful" and said he followed officers to "dig up dirt" about the department.

"The guy needs to let it go and grow up," Lund said.

Kittleson, who owns the Floral and Garden Center on Main Street, said he is a police department supporter.

"They are always visible, and I like that," he said. "I appreciate having them drive by our business when I'm working at night. And I ain't the only one. We've had very few break-ins."

Kittleson, who has been in business for 36 years, said he is not certain if he would support cuts in department spending if it meant less police protection.

"Every part of government could probably run leaner," he said. "But I don't really have an opinion on that million-dollar police budget because I didn't negotiate that contract (with the police union).

"It sounds like some people may be out to get him, but I don't know."

Bucholz, an 81-year-old clerk at the Stop-N-Go, called the consultant's report that blasted Burdick "prejudiced." She has known the chief since he was a patrolman and called him a "10."

When a 17-year-old robber stuck a gun in her face late on Halloween night last year, she said, patrolmen responded quickly and caught the bandit. She was able to provide more than a simple description because she knew the boy and his family.

"I want to have two officers on at night," argued Bucholz, who said she gives officers doughnuts and treats when they stop in to check on her. "I don't think one can handle it when things get lousy. I feel well protected now."

Friday, October 15, 2004

sharp as all fuck

I'm fucking blown.

I don't know how I'm going to tackle that solo five hour drive to Michigan this evening. I was out too late last night and woke too early this morning... I could greatly benefit from a 90 minute nap. Maybe I'll cut out early and catch a quick sleep at home before leaving.

After work last night I met up with Sarah at the Esquire to see A Dirty Shame. the 5:45 show only costs $6.25... the bargain rate. The movie was fucking insane. The fellow patrons were fucking insane - four or five middle aged guys, each by himself. weird.

Sarah had fallen the night before on to the sidewalk while walking home and had scraped her chin and the side of her left eye. she was wondering what she was going to tell her parents when she sees them this weekend at a wedding in her hometown. I told her to tell them that her pimp did it "over something about money..." The movie started and I took out the fifth of Jack Daniels that I picked up on the walk to the theater and we poured too much of it into this enormous 40 of coke.

The movie was fucking crazy and created a new catch phrase that I'm sure all the kids will be spitting in the coming weeks: "let's go sexin'" The last scene of the movie has Johnny Knoxville floating in the air after headbutting several people for the sexual rush and ejaculating an enormous CGI spooge into the air which lands on the movie screen, bubbles and slowly drips to reveal the end credits. fucking brilliant.

The show was out early - about 7:30 - so we took the train to the north side and got a couple beers at L&L Tavern. Sarah told me that her friend had hired a Rolling Stones cover band for her wedding. we walked over to a friend of her's to pick up jewelery, then to her place to drop our shit off.

We caught up with Jack and some of his friends, had a smoke and then slipped into the smart bar to catch DJ Afrikka Bambatta spin. Afrikka Bambatta is credited as being one of the architects of hip hop... a turntablist in New York in the late '70's. his show was fucking great... he spun a lot of old school hip hop and it all sounded fresh. some of the kids at the show were excellent breakers. it was like life on beat street.

red bull and vodka was $5 last night, so we drank a couple of those. that shit is a toxic boost of faux energy. i'm sure it's eaten at the walls of my heart and the vodka gives my liver something to wrestle with for a couple hours... chase that with chain smoking and no sleep... it's a modern wonder why I look so good at 30.

Around 2:30 it was time to leave. Sarah made me some food and I examined her kitchen knife set. It was amazing... it was like the $145 Chicago Cutlery set and sharp as all fuck.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

search & destroy

I’m a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm
I’m a runaway son of the nuclear a-bomb
I am a world’s forgotten boy
The one who searches and destroys

Honey gotta help me please
Somebody gotta save my soul
Baby detonate for me

Look out honey, ’cause I’m using technology
Ain’t got time to make no apology
Soul radiation in the dead of night
Love in the middle of a fire fight

Honey gotta strike me blind
Somebody gotta save my soul
Baby penerate my mind

And I’m the world’s forgotten boy
The one who’s searchin’, searchin’ to destroy
And honey I’m the world’s forgotten boyt
The one who’s searchin’, searchin’ to destroy

Forgotten boy, forgotten boy
Forgotten boy said hey forgotten boy

search & destroy/iggy pop

George W. eye-twitch spastic fuck-nut... keep struggling to comprehend on live TV. ass clown.

J(ohn)FK(erry)... why the long face?

whoa... I saw crazy samurai fuck on the train this morning! he was wearing his pathetic crazy samurai fuck costume... complete with wood Tom Cruise staff.

he got off at the Chicago stop on the red line. this was at 8:45 am. what a silly crazy bastard. he didn't look at me or recognize me as his nemesis. it gave me an opportunity to get a closer, longer look at his crazy-ass get up... it's starting to wear and tear and fray at the edges. he's going to have to get his live-in mother to sew it up, or maybe even make him a new samurai costume.

crazy fuck.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time
I feel my luck could change.

Kill me girl,
kill me again with love,
it's gonna be a glorious day.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.

The head of state has called for me by name
but I don't have time for him.
It's gonna be a glorious day!
I feel my luck could change.

Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.

We are standing on the edge.


today started shite. I woke a bit earlier than usual - scratch, I set the alarm a bit earlier than usual... 6:15 am. I slapped the snooze and power dove my face back into the pillow from an angle that fucking snapped my neck. for a spark of a second I questioned if I'd Christopher Reeve'd myself (I didn't... why does he look like robocop/billy corgan in that photo?). This was my first conscious thought of October 12th.

I was really looking forward to seeing him walk again. Like in that one CGI commercial.

shit, this ices my plans to remake "Superman III" with Christopher Reeves and Richard Pryor and their wheelchairs getting shoved at each other (ala "Battle Bots").


dragged my ass out of bed, carried Trek Fuel 90 frame (sold for $510 on e-bay) and my portfolio to the car. lit a cigarette. drove to lake shore drive. got rear-ended by some stupid left-wing bitch (car covered with anti-bush stickers... over 20 stickers qualifies as "covered," right?). I was at a dead stop in gridlock. she hit me from 3 mph. maybe she was lighting a one-hitter, sipping fair-trade coffee, and turning up NPR when she should've been watching the fucking road at 3 mph. I saw that there was no damage to the back of my plastic car and took her insurance information anyways. she wrote it on the back of a bar tab from 1:45 am this morning.

got to work. got caffinated. got work done. got tired. ate super china grade fried rice and mustard chicken at food court with co-workers. got back to work. cut out of work. went to bike store. got free box from generous bike mechanic with zero attitude (rare). boxed up bike. bought riding socks out of graditude. took boxed bike to post office to be weighed. line too long. brought box back to work. stupid blondes on floor stared at large box, perplexed. worked for one hour. left work for "dental appointment." went to headhunter. heard about agency writing job. showed writing samples. discussed presentation to agency for employment. headhunter was early 40's blonde - most likely divorced - admitted to being a stand-up comic - not funny/most likely insane. had appearance of being an open to suggestion/location/position date at bar time. got good enough idea about agency job/client/approach. will submit work/approach no later than thursday quiting time.

tomorrow or thursday sarah (the crazy one who lost her job after burning bacon in the workplace kitchen and now works at a coffee place until waxing education at aveda starts) and I are going to go see A Dirty Shame about the sex fiends. I will bring a flask of whisky for the large pepsi.

Monday, October 11, 2004


today's columbus day. there was a suspect few mofos on the streets this morning... light traffic. either the city chicago employs many many people (it does), or people like my contact at the printer took a long weekend. I should've. I'm still tired.

I've been downloading and listening to a lot of John Frusciante lately. There's a shitload of high-quality recorded live shows on the internet... especially here and here. check it out. all free. generous. I guess he's made his money a few times over with his day job.

I've been missing the old girl a bit lately. Waking in the middle of nice dreams about her makes me sad.

Thursday, October 07, 2004


Last night I was out with a good crew - Kari, Todd and Sarah. Good times.

Started at Jack's,.. having a smoke, getting some small food and good conversations about John Waters, documentaries, the shortcomings of the Bush administration, etc. Jack riffed off on how the whole oil thing was this worldwide game between Oil dynasties of the Saudis and the Bush's... very Shakespearean. Jack's got a vivid and interesting mind.

Moved on to the Newport Bar and Grill - the laundromat bar - to meet up with said crew and down $2 bottles of Coors Light. We discussed the torture museum in Amsterdam... I wanted to know if they had a full on crucifix... the most classic example of "torture." My goal was to keep Sarah laughing (which I can do) because she's super hot. She's also crazy (as in irresponsible and overly-emotional and a tad bit manipulative) and I cannot take her seriously. We moved on to Lange's because the service in Newport was shit. Kari and Sarah are girls who buy themselves whisky shots to go with their beer. They're fun girls.

Todd suggested catching this 11 pm two-man improv show he'd been to at Improv Olympic, so we went. It opened with the two guys hugging each other and then evolved into this whole "middle aged drunk gay men at the end of the night after celebrating a birthday" scenerio that they stretched out to a full hour. It was 90% funny... which is remarkable.

After that we headed to Gingerman and closed that joint down. Sarah and I are going to catch the new John Waters' A Dirty Shame next week... I'm looking forward to that show. I was home and crashed by 2:30 am. I shouldn't have come to work today - it's 75 degrees and sunny outside, I'm fucking tired and a certain few people here in other departments have been acting like motherfucking assholes all day.

I picked up my Thanksgiving flight to Denver: 11/20 to 11/30 for $214... ten days off. My sisters and I are catching R.E.M. at the Filmore that Saturday night... and I'm going to look into a couple of day trips with a rented car. Sister Diana has finals to contend with, and the rest of the fam's schedules are different... as follows:

Me: Saturday 11/20 - Tuesday 11/30
Kristine: Thursday 11/25 - Sunday 11/28
Parents: Tuesday 11/23 - Saturday 11/27

So, I've got some time to fill in. Will be good. Will be high.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

the clarity of sobriety

This is a supplement to my previous post...

The clarity of sobriety has revealed a few conversations from the previous Saturday night which had escaped me.

1. I spoke at great length to a spastic kid with a wifebeater, skinny arms and several tattoos about the military. Apparently he had spent seven to eight years as a sniper, with a tour in Kosovo. He was extremely knowledged in various weaponry and hand-to-hand combat techniques. He told me that he was discharged for becoming a headcase. Later in the evening he showed me several pictures from his time in the military. All of it checked out. At various points in the night he would cut himself short and say that he needed to "find his wife..." One of the strippers at the party told me that the girl he was looking for wasn't his wife, just the mother of his kid. Now that I think about it, that guy seemed really dangerous.

2. Another guy I spoke to - Dom - befriended me with a smile and a one-hitter. He told me that he'd just gotten off of work. It was 3 am so I asked him if he worked for a bar. He said no - he was "a driver." I asked what kind of a driver and he told me that he drove strippers from bachelor party to bachelor party. So I got it... he was the guy that walked into the room of 20+ drunk horny guys waiting for the stripper to appear and let them know the ground rules. I asked him if he carried a baseball bat. He said that he openly carried a foot-long metal Mag-lite flashlight. I asked if that was enough. He smiled and said that he kept a .38 in an ankle holster. I asked him what the one commonality that all the strippers had. He told me that it was control - control over the man.

I've thought about that one for a bit. That sounds like a stupid thing for a stripper to think. I'd believe that most men mentally place strippers into a category completely separate from other, typical women (yet maybe strippers think of all men in the same way... powerless to their sexuality). I would believe that men look at a stripper taking her clothes off for money the same way they'd think of "take your shirt off... let me see your body... here's a dollar (ONE dollar)." Kinda like watching a girl get naked and then throwing change on the ground and watching her pick it up.

I have no idea... I don't know any strippers socially and have never had a real chance to pick their head.

3. I spoke to a club promoter (at 6 am) who was opening a new club. Personally, I've grown to hate all club people... they're shallow, vapid subhumans who's main currency seems to be either their social/business connections or their physical appearance. Anyways, I did have a good time talking to him about his involvement with the Chicago House music scene in the early to mid 80s as a DJ. At the end of the night he encouraged me to check out his club and gave me a pass. Club people are always hustling.

Monday, October 04, 2004

suburban high roller saturday night

The past weekend was unusual and uneven.

Friday evening I got home feeling like the floorboards of a taxicab. I was kind of psyched because Mysterios had given me a CD burner to hook up to my laptop, but kind of down because I had a near-fever, scratch throat and could feel a cold coming on. I hooked up the burner, downloaded the software and began to experiment with my 1999 technology. It all proved to be slow… very, very slow. But it works and it’s free, so why care?

I burned a copy of The Streets: A Grand Don’t Come for Free for a friend and turned on the Natural Born Killers DVD before laying down and passing out by 9 p.m. I woke around 4:30 a.m. and watched the end of Conan O’Brien before passing out again.

Saturday I met up with my sister and we went grocery shopping at Aldi’s. I bought a bunch of shit for cheap. Aldi’s is super food-kitchen, and if you can get over feeling like a bag of shit while you’re shopping there, the satisfaction of buying lots of food at a fraction of what it costs elsewhere, totally redeems the experience. Sometimes they have insane specials and usually they have weird crap like Caddyshack II with Jackie Mason on DVD for $4.99. My sister bought a lot less than me and seemed to want out early. Snob.

Afterwards, we dropped off my bags and then went to her place. I watched a video copy of my friend Chris’ TV show about celebrity’s homes in Chicago. It’s a vanity project, but the production values suggest more than just the shoestring budget they’re filmed on. He moved to L.A. to have his hand at a real acting career. I wish him luck. He does have one promising appearance coming up: he gets into a verbal fight with Nicholas Cage while in line at the DMV in the movie The Weatherman. I’m not sure when it comes out… but, I’d consider spending a couple hours having Nicholas Cage getting live in my face to be totally surreal and a professional highlight.


Saturday night was nothing short of bizarre. I went out to the suburbs to meet up with my friend Dave and attend his friend Malik’s birthday party at this seriously weak suburb club. What’s funny is that this suburb is exactly 15 minutes away in the car from my place in the city… but the youthful city culture and youthful suburb culture couldn’t be more different. Malik and his friends rolled into this place like they were IT. And in a very real way, they are IT. Malik and his the rest of Dave’s friends are car salesman and UPS drivers who flash a lot of cash, drive expensive cars (either leased or borrowed off the lot for the weekend), always have hard drugs and hang out with strippers and bisexual skanks. So, in their minds and in that environment – the suburbs – they are the shit.

Each girl that I spoke to at the “club” was either super dumb, very obnoxious or had obvious low self-esteem. They ranged in appearance from the super hot Russian Anastasia to the skanky and drunk Mary with the enormous tit job. All of the other stroke off guys in this club had all eyes on the ladies with us and our crew. Dave likes to privately comment on the high-roller bad boy image this crew has given itself, and got a good laugh when I handed his friend Mike a drink, and when he asked me why I did it, I said “out of respect.”

Around 12:30 a.m. that crew and those girls (15 in total) loaded into the LIMOSENE that Mike had rented and went back to Mike’s house… this two story drug den in the middle of a residential suburban neighborhood. Dave and I got there after getting some Taco Bell and cigarettes. Everyone in the joint was rolling on e, cutting lines and passing around a j. It was just like Puff Daddy’s in the Hamptons… just kickin’ it, fool.

Anastasia had caught my eye early on, and she watched me walk up the stairs and take a seat, and then she and the two girls on either side of her started to make out. This was just the beginning of an extended two-hour, four or five girl-on-girl show in Mike’s living room. They were kissing, fondling and touching each other... and not for the benefit of the room, they were getting it on for each other. The unusual thing about it was that it was business as usual… nobody was paying any attention and if they did stop to watch for a minute, it was just a minute. I had to talk to one of these guys – Leo, the UPS deliveryman – who said “the girls are just really cool. Let them go for it, doesn’t matter.” And he meant it, in this house it wasn’t unusual.

That shit went on forever, and then the girls started to take turns going to Malik’s room to service him for his birthday. It was wild. We were up all night... and then the sun came up... and I watched a family down the stret pack in the minivan to go to church... and I was still up and still drinking beer,.. I pleaded with Dave to drive me back to my car. I’d had a long enough night.


Sunday night I saw Garden State. It was written and directed by Zach Braff (who also stars in it)... that scrub from that TV show Scrub.

It's about Zach Braff returning home to New Jersey (from Los Angeles where he's an actor) to attend his mother's funeral. According to Zach Braff is from New Jersey and is now an actor in Los Angeles. This shit is writing itself people.

Anyways Zach Braff plays a kid who has been on lithium since he was 9 years old, and encounters all of his old friends who he hasn't seen in ten years. One of his friends "Mark" is played by Peter Sarsgaard, one of the best new actors to make it in the past couple of years in my opinion. Peter Sarsgaard was last seen as the New Republic Editor busting Anakin Skywalker for making shit up in his journalism articles in the excellent Shattered Glass. Here he plays a burnout grave digger who still lives with his mom. In this film as well as Boys Don't Cry Peter Sarsgaard brings a level of realism to his white trash characters that you don't always see. Peter Sarsgaard understands white trash.

Also in the film is Natalie Portman as Zach Braff's love interest. Natalie Portman (who last married Anakin Skywalker) plays a quirky hot girl who admits to being a pathological liar, and immediately clicks with the depressed coming off of anti-depressants Zach Braff.

This is one of those coming of age dramatic comedies that could suck, sometimes seems a bit close to sucking, yet never actually sucks, and occasionally rises above your expectations.

Includes JUST LEFT of mainstream soundtrack... kind of like that mix tape you made for your girlfriend in college.


Friday, October 01, 2004

phantom kick to the gut

I just stepped outside for a cigarette and paid for it in a couple of ways:

1. I'm feeling something of a cold coming on - one of those shit colds where you can taste crap in the back of your throat/slight, slight fever/pressure in your head/general irritablity.

2. There was a yorkie out on the front lawn. I hate that. I see one and am compelled to walk up and get a closer look and to speak to the owner, and still get that phantom kick to the gut. Thank you, bad memories, for staying. Regarding that: I guess I got my digs in (which doesn't make me happy. At all), and the girl doesn't win and doesn't get to know me anymore (which doesn't make her happy). We both lose. Walk on... forget... life goes on... occasional reminder. I'm sure that everytime she sees this building she thinks of me/knows I'm inside.


Last night's debate was a Kerry success. I haven't gotten one piece of republican propaganda from the family today. You'd have to be just plain stubborn to think that Bush made any impact last night. I read some line of shit blaming Bush's spending the day visiting hurricane victims for his poor performance. Whatever, spin-meister... he came off as an oafish, stubborn, rhetoric-spitting dumbass. Or, the very thing he's been pegged for the last two years.


Mysterios is gone. All of the bullshit from his cubicle has been cleared out. That blows. A consistantly interesting person has left the building for good. Now I have to find another partner in crime.


Is any of this getting any better? I don't think so.