Monday, November 29, 2004

Alexander the Great

I like Oliver Stone and his movies. I usually like Val Kilmer, I want to hate Colin Farrell (because he's such a stroke off... holy shit! you drank six Heinkens before you got out of the limo... no fucking way. slow down, Mickey Mantle), and I always like Angelina Jolie.

I did not like "Alexander" and I really wanted to.

It should've started with something of a bang, but instead you have 15 minutes of Anthony Hopkins with make up on that makes him look EVEN OLDER than he is (he's currently listed at 211 years old) talking about the movie that you're sitting there waiting to start.

Then you get Angelina Jolie looking all hot as fuck and hanging out with young Alexander. She's got a ton of snakes in a basket next to his bed (she's got snakes all over the place each time she has a scene), and Oliver Stone actually lifts some dialog from "The Doors" about handling snakes. That's lame.

Speaking of "The Doors", Val Kilmer basically plays the Lizard King with his drunken ranting and raving and breaks into Alexander's room and begins to sexually manhandle Angelina.

The rest of the movie (after a very slow 40 minutes) is about Alexander moving east, conquering every region he passes. Along the way he takes Rosario Dawson as his wife in Persia (that's IRAQ to all of you ignorant fuck-o's who voted for Bush because he was going to keep Jesus in the White House and fags from marrying) who's super hot and is a part of this tribal/percussion/techno dance team. He gets her shirt off (I didn't know they had saline implants in 420 BC), and with that fine figure and full lips, the audience is immediately reminded of Angelina Jolie.

Speaking of fags... Alexander the Great is a homosexual, and he only takes a wife for breeding purposes. This should play well in all of the red states who voted for Bush because he was going to keep Jesus in the White House and fags from marrying.

I'm going to give it a fair rating. It's not really worth seeing at the full price show, but maybe on DVD during a long cold ass winter day next Thanksgiving.



my sister and I met this guy named Gary at this freak jam band bar that she frequents called "Sancho's Broken Arrow" on Colfax Ave in Denver.

Gary and I got into an intense conversation about the two Star Wars trilogies. Gary brought up something that I hadn't thought of before: how bad ass it was that the Emperor (the Sith Lord, the master of the dark side) was able to live amongst the Jedi and pull all this shit, and not one of them ever caught on that he was pure evil. And then in the original trilogy, Yoda lives on that shithole planet Dagobah, surrounded by dark side trees and general evil bullshit.

so anyways, Gary hooks us up with two magic mushroom-laced chocolates for $20. we decided to split both... eat one before the r.e.m. show, and eat the other and go see "The Incredibles".

on the way to the Incredibles (before we ate the shit), I poked my eye with my sunglasses putting them on and my gas permeable contact lens popped out and hit the sidewalk. I looked around the general area and saw nothing. I told my sister to hang tight and walked into a Barnes and Nobel to look in the mirror and see if the lens was still anywhere on my eye.

five minutes pass and I walked back outside, accepting that the lens was fucking gone. I told my sister and we started to walk to the show when she said "it's right there!" I had to focus my good eye and the spot she was pointing... the microscopic plastic drop that was barely recognizable on the gravel style concrete sidewalk. amazingly, after a full five minutes of downtown Denver foot traffic, nobody stepped on it.

this sort of thing - finding a missing contact lens in an environment where a missing contact lens should never be found - only happens to you 4 or 5 times in a lifetime.

so anyways, we ate the shit, it was weak, but The Incredibles was as good a second time on the big screen.

the dead

so my first night back in colorado I ran into that fucked up hula-hoop freak curtis at the same bar he was at doing the same shit he was doing talking the same game he was talking, 5 months ago.

I got into a conversation with some drunk at the bar who was hitting on my sister. he thought that I needed a pick up so he gave me a nice bud of some kind weed (why the fuck dowsn't anybody do this in chicago?). he told us that he had followed the Grateful Dead from 1984 until 1995, and then he paused and stared at us for effect and to let that settle. for some reason, these circles seem to think that following around a band that plays the same 15 minute version of the same songs everynight is worthy of some form of respect. I think it's kind of pathetic, but bloated drugged out Jerry Garcia's death was neither a suprise or a big deal to me, so who am I to judge? fuck... I'd like to drop out and stop showering and be high all day long and mate with a woman as ugly as a man and hitchhike to the next venue (assuming my trustfund wasn't tapped or my father hadn't purchased me a bus after I dropped out of college to follow jam bands) and beg for a free concert ticket ("I need a miracle") and join up with drum circles with my bongos and eat vegan and get into conversations about postivie and negative energy radiating from the stars while I'm zoning on acid...

anyways, the drunk with bud quickly let us know that he was looking for a good woman to be a step mom to his young son. he had met his wife on tour and she told him she loved him, but like most gold digging bitches, she didn't mean it. she was also a witch and she wanted him to study to become a warlock (you know, like Harry Potter), but he didn't want to be a warlock, so she left him and took the kid.



My first r.e.m. memories date back to listening the "Document" on a cassette tape in 1987. I followed the coming releases and dug into the back IRS catalog. I'd liked them up until their masterpiece "Automatic for the People" in 1992, then my interest waned. They just kept releasing more and more derivative and uninspired shit. The drummer bailed after an anurysm on stage during the middle of a world tour... and r.e.m. should've ended there.

so with a founding member gone and michael stipe quickly evolving into the artist formally known as michael stipe, r.e.m. released "Up" a shitty record with 4 good songs, "Reveal" an electronic turd with no good songs, and the most recent release "Around the Sun", a boring record with one lead off single that's good and a slow downward spiral that promotes anurysms.

Until November 27th 2004 I'd never seen r.e.m. live. I caught them at the Filmore Theater in Denver, CO... an excellent small venue of 4,000 (let me add that it's smoke-free, and that really made a difference to the venue experience... venues should go smoke-free).

michael stipe is one sleek cat. he came out on stage wearing a black suit and tie with a green stripe painted across his eyes. he looked like one of the Crazy 88's in Kill Bill. this guy is a front man to reckon with, and at age 44, he's a force of nature. Thom Yourke, Eddie Vedder, Beck and that fucker from Live all owe a debt of graditude to michael stipe for showing them how it's done. his little choreographed dances chanelled both David Burne and Michael Jackson. fucking insane.

r.e.m. has always been a politicially active band... in their lyrics and their endorsements. stipe threw out some subtle politic-speak over the night, and unless you're not paying attention, the set list took it's jabs (note: the messages in 18 year old songs still ring true). Consider "Begin the Begin" "Orange Crush" "The Final Straw" "Drive"

the most obvious came mid-way through the show. stipe approached the right hand side of the crowd and said:

"it's cold. I'd like everyone on this side of the hall to breathe as hard as the can. warm this place up."

he walked to the left hand side of the stage and said:

"I'd like everyone on this side to stop breathing all together.:

then he walked to the middle and said:

"All of you in the middle... well, you only seem to see black and white, so I'm going to let you figure it out for yourselves."

I don't think that many of the 40 year olds in this red state was paying attention... I think they were waiting to hear "Losing My Religion".


Get Up
Begin the Begin
Orange Crush
The One I Love
High Speed Train
The Outsiders
Boy in the Well
The Final Straw
Leaving New York
Walk Unafraid
Life and How to Live It
So Fast So Numb
Imitation of Life
Losing My Religion
Country Feedback
Strange Currencies
The Great Beyond
What's the Frequency, Kenneth?
Permanent Vacation
I'm Gonna DJ
Man on the Moon

michael stipe is the shit.

Friday, November 19, 2004

hand grenade

so there's this rumor or buzz or whatever going around that fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to be president, but that there's this section of the constitution that says that a presidential candidate has to have been born in the United States.

so in order for Arnold Schwarzenegger to be considered for the presidency, the constitution will have to be altered.

Can this be done? he IS a republican. and this new breed of republicans seem open to tinkering with the foundation to suit certain needs (however, DO NOT FUCK WITH THE SECOND AMENDMENT).

I think that reality just keeps getting weirder. Who knew that you could fly jetliners (full of civilians) into skyscrapers (full of civilians) on TV? Who knew that 1/3 of the cast of "Predator" would one day hold state governorships (when will Carl Weathers hold office)?

If Arnold Schwarzenegger really wants to be president, I think that he should kill Osama bin Laden on videotape. It should be exactly like that scene in "True Lies" when he's walking around with a machine gun blowing ten, twenty terrorist fuckers away and then getting to Osama and carving him up with a butcher knife. Then he can shoot both of his knee caps off... pull a hand grenade pin and shove it up Osama's gaping asshole and blow the fucker up. They can film it on hi-res digital and James Cameron (The Terminator, Titanic) can direct it.

If that fucking happens, then I say "Fuck Yeah, break out the liquid paper and touch up the constitution and let Arnold be President." There won't even be a need for Arnold to debate Hillary Clinton in '08... the fucker's already won.

Monday, November 15, 2004

get out

I've taken a week to regather my thoughts on our impending doom. Only the banal and somewhat gloating e-mails from my red state mother even cause a spark. This is because I know that her only two news sources consist of FOX News, the local AP subscribed rag and a lifetime of Republican brainwash/mantra. She seems to believe that Bush and the rest of the war criminals (slowly resigning) are in place to bring Jesus and family values back to the country. How fucking simple and stupid.

Ignorance is what brought us here, and ignorance will keep us here.


In other news, Sarah has begun to show more shades of what I hated in Shannon. I suspect that Shannon is a bit more devious and clever than Sarah has gotten by on, but never the less, it's bullshit that I won't deal with... I'll slither back and let that dog lay.


I took my friend Matt and his fiance Lisa out to dinner for their engagement last week. Matt is the baby of four boys to a successful dentist, and from what I can see Lisa is the oldest of three daughters to a successful small business owner in the suburbs. I've kind of thought that Matt was on the tit a bit too long (most college-educated men have their rent paid until age 28, right?) and that he rushed the engagement thing with Lisa... but I think that she's a good girl and a worthy match for Matt. They told me that their wedding was nearing the $40,000 mark. I thought that sounded way fucked up. That's some sick ass amount of cash to spread over one day or weekend. If they thought about it a bit longer, and that money was available to them, I'd say fucking elope and get a downpayment covered on a house.


I saw the pixies play at the aragon ballroom on saturday night. it was fucking excellent.


saturday I fly out to Denver for 10 days. Need to get out.

Friday, November 05, 2004


It's Friday, it's been that week. Reality is setting in, and the acceptance that the next four years of Bush America (it's gonna suck) is pending. Fucker. I'll let the negative energy flow from that end.

In the meantime, one bright spot on the horizon is that the left seems to generate more creative types than the right... we've got 4 more years of this.

We're going to see some great, angry art.

Thursday, November 04, 2004


I'm sure that this sort of thing is just sour puss piss and moan to all of the intelligencia that voted for Bush on Tuesday, but I was forwarded a breakdown of the average IQ's of each state, and the corresponding nominee who won each state.

(Oh yeah "IQ" stands for "intelligence quotient" to all of the intelligencia who voted for Bush on Tuesday).

You know who you are.

1 Connecticut 113 Kerry
2 Massachusetts 111 Kerry
3 New Jersey 111 Kerry
4 New York 109 Kerry
5 Rhode Island 107 Kerry
6 Hawaii 106 Kerry
7 Maryland 105 Kerry
8 New Hampshire 105 Kerry
9 Illinois 104 Kerry
10 Delaware 103 Kerry
11 Minnesota 102 Kerry
12 Vermont 102 Kerry
13 Washington 102 Kerry
14 California 101 Kerry
15 Pennsylvania 101 Kerry
16 Maine 100 Kerry
17 Virginia 100 Bush
18 Wisconsin 100 Kerry
19 Colorado 99 Bush
20 Iowa 99 Bush
21 Michigan 99 Kerry
22 Nevada 99 Bush
23 Ohio 99 Bush
24 Oregon 99 Kerry
25 Alaska 98 Bush
26 Florida 98 Bush
27 Missouri 98 Bush
28 Kansas 96 Bush
29 Nebraska 95 Bush
30 Arizona 94 Bush
31 Indiana 94 Bush
32 Tennessee 94 Bush
33 North Carolina 93 Bush
34 West Virginia 93 Bush
35 Arkansas 92 Bush
36 Georgia 92 Bush
37 Kentucky 92 Bush
38 New Mexico 92 Bush
39 North Dakota 92 Bush
40 Texas 92 Bush
41 Alabama 90 Bush
42 Louisiana 90 Bush
43 Montana 90 Bush
44 Oklahoma 90 Bush
45 South Dakota 90 Bush
46 South Carolina 89 Bush
47 Wyoming 89 Bush
48 Idaho 87 Bush
49 Utah 87 Bush
50 Mississippi 85 Bush

side note: who knew that Utah ranked so low? It must be all of the inbreeding. As for Mississippi coming in dead last, it obviously has something to do with the white supremacy movement. As for Idaho, I doubt they're even cable-ready.

Thanks fuck-o's.

black sheep

it's obvious that we are now a divided nation:

1. "I do what I'm told" (sheep)
2. "I question authority" (black sheep)

these two schools of thought

(yes, sheep, I used the word "schools"... remember that place? that one large building that the state made you attend until you turned 18? oh yeah, and there's no "k" in the word "schools"... the "c" and the "h" are silent. don't fret, dipshit, your president didn't get that one right in the spelling bee either... now go breed)

have always existed, but the division couldn't be any greater.

now I'm going to drop some quotes on your ass.

I'll assume that the black sheep will catch on, and the sheep are still trying to figure out if I insulted them with that reference to correctly spelling the word "schools"

(don't worry fucknut, some government lawyer is currently working on the copy for the draft notice you'll be receiving in nine months... knowing how to spell the word "schools" won't matter when you're dodging flaming shrapnel (with no body armor) from a detonated car loaded with C-4 explosives in downtown Baghdad.)

once again, you can stroke yourself off for re-electing Bush.

"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind...And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded with patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader, and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."

- William Shakespeare


"Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything."

- Joseph Stalin (Russian Dictator)


"Naturally, the common people do not want war; neither in Russia, nor England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along. Whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked. And denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country."

- Hermann Wilhelm Goring (Nazi) at the Nuremberg trials


those who do not study history (or apparently have no interest in it) are doomed to repeat it.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

America, Fuck Yeah!

While somewhat eagerly awaiting the first outlandish abuse of executive power (the kind that makes the rest of us protest and question "what the fuck is THIS??" and then realizing dead silence)... it going to be banning all libraries? about a single state-sponsored media source?
...better yet, let's block 40-60% of all websites on all US internet outlets...

So... WHAT'S HAPPENING during an otherwise slow day (the world isn't completely powerless, pointless and illogical... and yet, is it)??

"Man Leaps Into a Lion's Den at the Zoo to Try to Convert the King of Beasts to Christianity"


"U.S. faces ominous fiscal picture with huge deficit"


And hey, look at what those HIGHLY INTELLIGENT, southern Baptist voters are up to. Down in Mississippi a man recently "Rammed a Church with a Bulldozer"


Don’t worry about Bush’s environmental policies though, cause according to this headline "Climate Change is Now Here"


Also, Hungary just announced they are pulling troops out of Iraq, but WHO CARES?! There’s currently a rainbow over Baghdad!

Translation? God approves.


Had enough? Not done yet, somebody put a kitten in the dryer:


Maybe the judicial system will clear things up…

Nah, they’re busy.


Everybody’s favorite multi-millionaire, world-touring pedophile, R. Kelly, is suing popular ex-Drug Dealer Jay-Z.


idiots rule

I got a lie... a fat fuckin' lie about a law
Idiots obey/they made it easy
Now cheaters have their way... you hi-di-ho's
You're living on your knees

Forget the rule!
Oh - idiots rule!
Forget the rule!
Oh - idiots rule!

Now there's a time... but I say non like now there's a time
Where idiots are bound/if there's a pole
Planted in your back/then you're a fixture
Not a man

Forget the rule!
Oh - idiots rule!
Forget the rule!
Oh - idiots rule!
Idiots! Idiots rule!
Idiots! Idiots rule!
Idiots! Idiots rule!

You know that man you hate?
You look more like him every day everyday hi-di-hos!
Two good shoes won't save your soul
Idiots rule!
Idiots rule!


I work in marketing - which means that I work with a lot of educated, liberal, witty smart asses - today is a day to concede and understand that all of those years of reported falling standardized high school education test scores have finally caught up with us and it's official:


And so, to all of the dumbasses who will soon be drafted and shipped off Iraq to get your ass shot off: FUCK YOU - John Kerry may have saved your uneducated, fucking unemployed Jesus-thumping ass.

To all of the comfortable, white, middle class dumbfucks who really believed that John Kerry was going to take away your guns, turn America into a government socialized state and let "fags marry": FUCK YOU - the religious angle was a diversion from the real issues that will soon become inevitable.

To all of the unemployed who can't get a job because the soup canning factory closed down, and because you don't have an education, yet you voted for Bush because you don't trust that "flip-flopper John Kerry," and you believe that Bush is a straight shooter and that we should continue to kill all of the "towel heads" in the middle east (and that maybe we should just nuke em): FUCK YOU - someone you're related to, someone you know, or maybe even your own dumbass self is going to die in Iraq.

Fuck everyone who ignored the issues and got caught up in the right wing smoke screen propaganda.